San Francisco: one way journey on the Vomit Comet to the world’s sweatiest man

“In the same night I got touched up by a 17 year old, saw a girl chun in a bar, met America’s worst comedian and danced with the world’s sweatiest man.”

“In the same night I got touched up by a 17 year old, saw a girl chun in a bar, met America’s worst comedian and danced with the world’s sweatiest man.” – KJ

Oh San Fran you were weird. Boy, you were so weird. The city has a kind of unique, relaxed energy that makes it addictive. Every corner has something and someone different.

Now, SF has a great transport system, the BART (budget version of the tube) as well as numerous trams but given that we’re all ballers we got Ubers everywhere. The Ubers in SF were super friendly, maybe a little too friendly, if you know what I mean.

Actually, how could you possibly know what I mean? Let me explain. The first Uber driver we got was considering coming on the night out with us after he’d finished his shift. The second Uber we got gave me his number and suggested we go trapeze-ing in the woods with him the next day. “In the woods” what does that even mean? He proceeded to whip out an iPad (all whilst driving) to show me him on his trapeze in the woods. The third Uber driver was just a fun time guy who liked head-

ing towards the nightclubs. Read between the lines.

Backtracking to the first Uber, our guy Mark recommended a place called Ireland’s 32. You guessed it, it was an Irish bar, which apparently was THE place to be on a Thursday night given its crowd. The crowd was not a delight. Turns out it was the first week of ‘school’ and a bunch of underage, annoying arseholes had come out to play.

The queue wasn’t moving and everyone around us looked like they were 15. KJ was getting consistently touched up by one of said 15 year olds. I mean… it just wasn’t good.

We decided to move down the street to a quiet bar where we thought we could have a civilised drink. We thought wrong. All the people who hadn’t got into the previous bar had spilled into the next closest thing and a girl decided to throw up all over the floor. Good one dickhead.

We didn’t let it kill our spirit though, metaphorically and literally. The next bar we went to had $1 tequila shots, ayyy. When we walked into that bar a woman just outside said, “You guys look too nice for this place”. It was uncomfortable. Shots were cheap and so were the jokes being made by the stand up comedian. She is the worst comedian I have ever been in the presence of. She literally said the secret to her looking so young was the blood of young children? Someone please explain where the joke is in that?

We eventually left and treated ourselves to the actual city in a club called Monarch. The music was on point. It was like a mix of funk, electronic dance music and all played by a live band with a DJ helping things along. The dance floor was rather empty but it picked up and by the end of the night Georgia had a bald man who wouldn’t stop high pitch whistling and KJ managed to find the sweatiest man in the world (see video below). Drugs’ll do that to you lol.

Our first night had introduced us to some of the freaks who lived in SF. The daytime seemed like a different world. The next morning most of us were feeling alright bar one, Geo, who had started to feel sick. We skipped out on taking public transport again and decided to Uber to the Ferry House. Geo took a plastic bag for precaution. The morning presented another incident of getting close to an Uber driver. Geo threw up in the bag, in the back of the car hahaha.

Imagine, your mate throws up in a plastic bag and then doesn’t even decide to get rid of it. She literally walked the streets of San Fran holding a bag of liquid yellow puke. Being the good friends we are we sourced some more bags and made her dispose of the one in her hand.

And, being the BEST friends we are then made her get on a boat. In my defence I read water taxi and thought nice, big boat, ferry type thing. We called a number on a lamppost (probably should have been the first red flag) and were told Captain Tom would pick us up in about 6 minutes.

The boat arrived and it was some shitty yellow boat like the size of a big dinghy. I could see the fear in Geo’s eyes but everything worked out. Waves were choppy, no one was sick and everyone got to drive a boat across the SF bay.

Sf bay
Ahoy there Tom
Captain Jenno sails the seas

After a day of sight seeing which you don’t need me to describe to you, we chose to face a night out again. Upon leaving our Airbnb I said “Why does this house smell like literal shit?” KJ concurred the same and just as she turned the corner, the owner was there asking if we were heading out for the night. Needless to say, I don’t think their review will be the best…

Anyway, San Francisco is known for its gay scene so we couldn’t not go. Upon entering the gay bar I was presented with a glittering disco ball and sweet drinks that tasted like Haribos. KJ and I went to the all gender toilets and whilst waiting for the only cubicle a guy came in, knocked and told whoever was in there to hurry up. Four guys walked out… all with smiles on their faces and started chatting to us so casually. I honestly couldn’t tell you what was going on in that room. It was five minutes of straight excitement, shouting, endless questions but most of all, pure happiness. Who knew the toilet could be a space for such entertainment?

Yaaaaaassss queeeeeen

The gay scene got too much for us and we went to infamous nightclub Temple. Spenny drinks and a collective of English people. Why do we all swarm together in foreign countries? Long story short, the night ended at a 24h chinese/casino. All in all a successful night.

San Fran was weird and it’s difficult to explain exactly what was weird about it; it just was and I loved it.

The infamous sea lions on Pier 39
Mission Dolores Park
Mission Dolores Park
Me looking cute af at 5 in the morning
Just a nice lil view

Author: Just Jenny Lamb

21-year-old writer giving you that witty prose with a dash of Essex sass.

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