Miami: how all our nights ended up in strip clubs

Sooooo, how did I end up seeing two girls clap their arse cheeks together whilst two men placed dollar bills in their thongs I hear you ask????? ?? ?? ?

Read on to find out!

Boys and girls, it has been more than a hot second since I last gifted you with one of these but the time felt right to pick up the ol’ blog again with MIAMI BABYYYYYY. 

I can honestly say that Miami is unlike any other place I’ve been to in the sense that I’ve never seen so many strippers in my life. To sum up in 3 words Miami is all about: sun, sex and show.

Sooooo, how did I end up seeing two girls clap their arse cheeks together whilst two men placed dollar bills in their thongs I hear you ask????? ?? ?? ?

Think the club would sue me if I showed you guys the full video…

Let’s roll it back to the beginning of our trip as I take you on a journey of discovery (much like myself at the time) as we find out why innocent Jen ended up spending a good 80% of her nights out in strip clubs.

Day 1: the group had such high hopes for a pleasant flight but being the tight bastards we are only booked ‘light economy’ – what even is that? 

I’ll tell you what it is, an absolute shit show. With a transit time of less than 2 hours, we almost missed our connecting flight despite sprinting through the airport.

Actually, sorry, change that, more like thudding through the airport like the unfit hippos we are. 

AND to top it all off, American Airlines lost our bags despite us picking them up in Orlando and transferring them over.

The moment we realised we weren’t getting the bags anytime soon

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. We’d made it to MIAMI BABYYYY but we were also having to listen to a fucking moron at the airport try to tell us that one bag was in Charlottesville, another in Heathrow and another just gone, forever – tip. of. the. iceberg.

Day 2: Group morale was down. No one had showered, no one had clean underwear and I can confirm, no one was expecting to end up in a strip club that night but OH don’t we treat ourselves.

Ready for the strippers amirite

The club: E11even

The vibe: boobs and noons

The night started as any girls night out does, with a bottle of 12.5% wine and a solitary tequila shot. We headed to a speakeasy to pre and shortly after paying $50 for 3 drinks proceeded to hit up the nearest ‘liquor store’ and buy 3 four lokos only to drink from paper bags on the street — classy broads. 

If you don’t know what four loko is, get to know; it can kill a bitch.

So whilst we’re all on our way to the sweet release of death, we hop in an uber to the super club we’ve been hearing mumblings about, E11even.

I shit you not we queued up for an hour straight all whilst absolutely butters 40 year old women were getting let in, no doubt, by some bald bouncer looking for a good time.

We all aggressively entered the club and at first sight it seemed like any other Mayfair, bouji establishment. We decided to explore and as we delved in further, we realised we were perhaps not on the gals’ night we had expected.

Here is how Google describes your one and only super club:

‘Energetic, neon-lit night spot with trapeze dancers, burlesque shows, DJs & live music performances.’

Seems safe, no? Nada. 

Not really sure how it went from this to about a million strippers?

Towards the back of the club was a raised circular stage, littered with poles and half naked girls. We walked through the crowd, who were all gathered in awe and it kind of felt like an open zoo but with beautiful women and scantily dressed amazing bods that frankly, we were also in awe of.

Feeling uncomfortable being so close to the action we decided to strut ourselves up to the balcony to watch from afar. The balcony had multiple vip tables, which as you would expect were full of sleazy old men. Did that stop us from joining them? Absolutely not.

Please babes, please

We ended up on a table celebrating a geeza’s 50th whilst one had the overwhelming confidence and too much cash to spend on propositioning a 23 year old to sleep with him all because they’d got a bottle they spent half the year saving up for. 

Imagine, a literal old man repeating the words ‘I want to have sex with you’ to a young woman half his age on repeat for hours…

Grow up or just die already babe.

After breaking my heels on the long stairway down, I proceeded to walk bare foot out of the club and hop into an Uber which carried your 3 princesses away to bed.

3 princesses OR
3 whales – you decide

Day 3: Morning came with a lot of vomiting involved, lot of sun involved, lot of regret involved.

Were we willing to head back out on the town? No. Were we willing to spend all day at the beach getting burnt? Yes.

Turns out if you get your bum out at the beach, promoters FLOCK to you.

Shoutout to my boys Andrew and Dimitri. We decided to take up Andrew on his proposition for the following evening in a club called Mokai as he seemed like the most normal out of the two, WRONG — please read on to see.

Maybe don’t get with a promoter lads

Day 4: Time for our second night out in MIAMI BABYYY. 

As Will Smith so eloquently put it in his literary masterpiece, Miami: ‘Ladies half dressed, fully equipped’.

Bloody hell, yes, fully equipped they were. Walked in to a rather empty club to be struck by a goddess on a pole.


“Ffs girls, we’re in another strip club”. You got it.

Girl power xoxo

Whilst not actually a strip club per-say, it was more than ya gal with wings and a bra in sugar hut on a Saturday night, let’s just put it that way.

As the club got busier smoke filled the air as people were lighting cigs left, right and centre. A man straddling a woman on the table next to us. Free flowing alcohol turning angels into bitches gone wild. 

Anything goes in Miami. Everything is centred around bodies, sex, alcohol and a general haze of phoney-ness quite unmatched by any other place.

So happy to be with my lips shaped urinal

Day 5: nothing noteworthy

Day 6: the girls engaged in a wholesome activity, saw some gators, had some bevs, I won’t bore you


Day 7: your favourite girls leave Miami to head down to the Keys in a white mustang like the basic bitches we are.

Get in loser, we’re going shopping

Miami had gifted us with strippers, hangovers and a loss of dignity so we thought we’d regain it by spending the weekend away in a more wholesome place.

Fed some fish, did some snorkelling, rested up and awoke the next day feeling refreshed for a relaxingggggg timeeee awayyyyyy.

Bloody birds

Day 8: fast forward to our first night in Key West and I fucking died.

Oh, AND guess what, I ended up in a strip club AGAIN with a man named Erik from Tampa. What is up with Florida and strip clubs? Like seriously, wtf?

If you’ve ever been to New Orleans, Key West is kind of like that vibe. It’s full of old people who look like they’ve only just discovered their youth late in life and are looking to get absolutely sloshed away from the kids.

So wholesome

You’d think it sounds kinda wholesome, drama free, good old time but jesus, the drama never ends.

Got myself into a messy situation didn’t I, involving a country singer, a mistress and a girlfriend pregnant with triplets — wild.

Long story short, we started our evening in a bar listening to a very talented country singer. We invited said singer to join us on our night out to which he came. 

A kind, innocent gesture as we enquired who the woman on his background was. He told us she was no one, that he didn’t have a girlfriend but he did have a pregnant ex girlfriend having his triplets who he was going to co-parent in the near future. Tbh, no one really cared and he slinked his way off when he realised shooting his shot had failed.

Didn’t think anything of it UNTIL I received these messages:

Had to respond
Ok, now stop pls
Smarter than I hahaha

Day 9: a tame day spent people watching, wandering round Ernest Hemingway’s house and returning to the same bar where I actually met the love of my life but that’s a story for another time.

Literature student in Hemingway’s house, shocker

Day 10: the time had come to say goodbye and good riddance to strippers. You know what though, Miami was jokes. Unique vibe and everybody just wants to live the dream babyyyy. 

Amidst the naked women, sleazy old men and creepy promoters is a place where people just wanna have a goooood time. 

So, soak up the sun, drink some cocktails and just let Miami take you on its wild ride.

In a bit x o

How’s the back treating you babe?
Don’t even think about it hun
You kill it, we grill it
“Do not use the pool if you are ill with diarrhoea”

How To Score Cheap London Theatre Tickets If You’re Poor Like Me

Find out how to bag £15 London theatre tickets without compromising on rubbish seats.

Click to see how to get the deal.

Back as promised with a regular blog every Sunday and although not as entertaining as last week’s blog, this is still some useful shit for you all.

Find out how to bag tickets to a London play for just £15!! AND none of this restricted viewing bollocks or seeing dots on the stage from a million miles away, we’re talking actual, decent seats for £15 friends.

I hear you screaming HOW JEN? HOW DO YOU DO IT? How are you so selfless as to help us get these sweet, sweet deals? And all I can tell you is, that’s just me folks – a kind woman.

So what did I see? Who did I see? Where did I see it? What’s the deal?

What? Betrayal

Where? Harold Pinter Theatre

Who? Tom Hiddleston (obvs you know him but in case you don’t, Loki in Marvel films?), Zawe Ashton (remember Vod from Fresh Meat?!) and Charlie Cox (he puts the Dare in Daredevil oi oi)

Look how cute they all look:

Embed from Getty Images

The play is set two years after a love affair between a woman and her husband’s best friend has ended but the play travels back in time as we see how it all unfolded. With only 3 actors (excluding a brief appearance from a waiter and child) and minimal set you’d think you’d get bored but nah, hands down, this was one of the best plays I’ve ever seen. 

The theatre shouldn’t be reserved exclusively for the hoity-toity and this way it isn’t.

– Me

I saw Mr Hiddelston cry a single tear from 20 rows back. SO, at £15 you should get on this cheap London theatre tickets hype.

Now, I’m sure you don’t really care for my deep, literary review of Pinter’s Betrayal (I ‘read’ English at uni don’t cha know) but HERE WE GO…

Relax, I won’t, enough of the chat, here’s how you get cheap London theatre tickets:

For this particular play head on over to the Harold Pinter website and click on ‘Booking Information’. Scroll down and click on ‘learn more’ about #BetrayalRush tickets. Turns out plenty of theatres offer ‘rush’ type tickets whereby every week a set amount of tickets get released at a super cheap price.

This particular play’s offer was £15 stall tickets available to exclusively under-30s, key workers, recipients of job seeker’s allowance and other recipients of government benefits. The theatre shouldn’t be reserved exclusively for the hoity-toity and this way it isn’t.

All you have to do is click on the link given on a Monday before 12pm to enter a ballot. At 12pm you’ll be randomly assigned a place in the queue and shoot your shot at getting tickets. It’s limited to 2 tickets per person but let’s not get greedy, eh. 

It took me about 4 weeks to secure the tickets I wanted but BOY was it worth it. 

Now, Betrayal is coming to the end of its run but don’t fear, there are other theatres who do this kind of thing too. For example, The National Theatre allocates £20 tickets every Friday at 1pm for shows in all three of its theatres for the following week’s performances. Considering tickets can climb up to the £100 mark at times, this is a STEAL.

Not only that but if you join The National Theatre as a ‘youth member’ i.e. Entry Pass membership (it’s FREE) you get access to all the same shows for £7.50 a ticket and £10 for your second ticket purchase as long as the person you go with is also under 26. 

So, next time you’re heading out for a swanky evening to the theatre search ‘rush’ before the play’s name in Google and see if you can get a sweet deal. You might have to be prepared to watch something ad-hoc but let’s face it, what else are you doing? 

In a bit xo

Every Type Of Boy You’ll Find On Hinge

A run down of every type of boy you’ll find on the dating app, Hinge.

From freaks to fitties, check the list out. Remind you of anyone?

HELLO pals, haters, dad (I know you’re reading this). I’m back with an ultimate run down of all the boys you’ll find on Hinge. Guaranteed if you have Hinge, you’ll know what I’m talking about but, for those of you who don’t have Hinge and don’t know what it is, lemme explain it real quick. 

Hinge is essentially the best dating app going at the moment, Tinder is for hook-ups, Bumble is boring so here we are at a nice middle ground, Hinge. The quality of people is much better and the app allows you to answer questions about yourself on your profile so that someone could respond to one as a conversation starter. 

You can see all the people who either like your pictures or comment on your profile answers and decide whether you want to match with them and continue the conversation. Easy enough, right? 

So, after weeks of having and using Hinge (so much so that they upgraded me to a ‘preferred member’ for free for some reason) I have whittled the men on there into 10 categories. Enjoy xo

1. The one from the Home County

Hinge profile man jumping over horse
Certainly conveyed in that pic babes

We’ll start with the nice, easy one – the home county boy, which is basically every. single. boy. on. Hinge. They LOVE to ski and when I say LOVE I mean they literally have no other pics other than those from that one time at aprés.

They probably work in finance or some other dull job in the city and spend all they can on cocktails on a roof with a bit of fake grass or they’re saving for their next trip to Val-d’Isère, did I mention they ski?

Is that surprising Freddie? 1. You’re called Freddie 2. You went to Durham and 3. You live in Pimlico

2. The one who’s mature

You’ve read that headline thinking I’m going to talk about someone who thinks they’re super mature and up themselves but when I say mature I literally mean an old man.

Meet my main man, Pejman. I mean… he’s clearly not 25, is he? There’s a difference between exaggerating on your profile and just being an outright predator. Likeeeeee who do I report this to?

3. The one who’s a rugby lad


Yes, my friends, you all know what’s coming. They have tons of rugby pics, coulda been pro but had an injury and spend every weekend down in Infernos – ironically, of course. 

They probably will have alright chat but will blend into every other rugby lad on the app. They’re fit so you give them the benefit of the doubt despite being unoriginal. Wouldn’t say no tho…

4. The one who is a recruiter and a recruiter only

If you thought the term basic bitch only applied to females, you’re wrong. The recruiter is THE most basic boy on the app. He’s got an average profile, average chat and average pics.

They ‘geek out’ on Marvel, Game of Thrones or Harry Potter. Yes… just like every other person in the world. 

His friends would describe him as ‘nice’ but ultimately he’s very vanilla. There will be times when some quick quips will make you question your initial thoughts but then he’ll bring it back to a ‘come mine’ or ‘you up’ text and you’ll realise he is just THAT basic and THAT average. 

Strong effort

5. The one who lives at the gym

This guy LOVES himself because I mean, frankly, no one else does. His profile will be full of either sex jokes or simply a checklist of what he doesn’t want in a girl. Ok, mate, calm down, just because you sweat from your arse on a regular basis doesn’t mean it’s lubricated enough for people to climb up it.

The gym is the playground for his dreams. Nothing beats fitness. He works hard so that you can keep those hands manicured hunny, so you can keep those meals a-coming, so you can stay in the kitchen babe…. you get the idea.

6. The one who thinks he’s a model

This guy has got ZERO chat. You initially matched because you thought, yeah, I deserve a fitty but nah. He thinks he can cruise by on his looks and tbf he probably can for some girls but NO. Don’t get sucked in babe.

Every pic on his profile is either a professional headshot or portrait mode on an iPhone. He’s so self-indulged that he can’t even see when he’s outright insulting you… see below.

‘Didn’t find it funny’ ???? Are you dumb?????

7. The one whose life revolves around politics

Their profile explicitly states ‘No Tories’. They hate everyone and everything and think they hold some kind of attractiveness due to their ‘mystery’. What I mean by this is that they’re brooding, they’re cynical and they’re sarcastic. Every girl’s dream !! !

They’ve got a problem with mummy and daddy being conservatives so lash out any way they can but they still enjoy the home comforts of a cafetiere and the annual ski trip. Oh yeah, these ones still ski too.

8. The one who’s still living in 2012

It’s summer, Jason Derulo’s Ridin’ Solo has come out and is being blue toothed to every Nokia brick in the vicinity. Boys are wearing t-shirts with Rihanna’s face on with their signature beige chinos.

This is where this guy is living. He’s not quite let go of the good times from 7 years ago, he doesn’t understand social media etiquette and he’s still posting pics of his car in the hope of landing a girl. 

He puts an ‘x’ at the end of every text message, comment, status etc. and to make things worse, he can’t go two minutes without saying ‘haha’ or ‘lol’ followed by a laughing crying face. What is this?

9. The one with the inappropriate jokes

Now I’m not a prude but I just don’t find sexual jokes funny. This guy is the type of guy who will tell you, you’ve got no banter just because you don’t find sexism or general shit chat funny.

He belongs in the depths of Tinder sending away his dick pics and spends every moment wondering why he’s not getting that sweet p*$$y on Hinge. Get outta here.

10. The one who’s actually funny

Now, once in a while you sift through all of the above and you find a gem. He’s good looking, his answers are funny and conversation flows. A rarity but it can happen.

He’s the golden boy who’s actually nice, funny and fit and you can tell all his mates love him. You’ll probably meet up with him if it weren’t for all the horror stories of dating apps but you never know, watch this space.

Enjoyed the blog? Do me a solid and like the Facebook page for more ridiculous dating stories:

Facebook not your thing? Keep up on Insta too:

Scroll down for more entertaining profiles. Let me know what you want my next blog to be. In a bit xo

Sex Confessions from the Red Light District

Real Sex Confessions from Amsterdam’s Red Light District.

Read to find out people’s dirtiest secrets.

What you doing here ya cheeky bastards? Ready and waiting for this racy blog that’s what. Pure filth but I mean same. I would have clicked on this link too.

SEX: a taboo topic but apparently not in Amsterdam and not on JustJennyLamb, aren’t you lucky. So yes, bla bla bla I went to Amsterdam and I mean, who hasn’t been? The difference is I went with my mum (LOL) and we went to the Red Light District and sourced some sex confessions.

Turns out the Dutch are pretty liberal when it comes to prostitution. Now I’m sure many of you know about the infamous windows in the Red Light District but those of you who don’t lemme give you a quick run down before we get to the good stuff in this blog – Top 10 Sex Confessions from the Red Light District.

Red Light District Background

Former office used for rental of prostitution rooms in Amsterdam Red Light District. Red Light Secrets Museum.
Former office used for the rental of prostitution rooms in Amsterdam

Prostitution is legal in The Netherlands and has been since 2000. Funny enough that is the same number of condoms that a Dutch prostitute is estimated to go through every year. Times that by 100 and you’ll have the number of men who visit a prostitute in the Netherlands each year.

Girls enlist the help of one of the windows that line the streets of the district by posing in their underwear to attract the attention of passers-by. If someone sees a girl they like, they knock on the adjacent door and discuss a service. Rental price for one of these windows is around €150 per 10h shift with an average start price for each customer being €50. AND get this, guess how much an average session lasts… 6 MINUTES! ! €50 for 6 minutes? ! ? Literally get that for free from any gal down CTZN on a Friday night son.

So yes, me and my mum did go to the Red Light District but for EDUCATIONAL REASONS. There’s a museum called Red Light Secrets and you know what, it’s actually very interesting so if you’re in town check it out.

Woman holding mask in Red Light Secrets Museum.
MY MUM – not sure you’ve got the job hun hahaha

Anyway, the museum is home to a wall covered in confessionals written by visitors AND let me tell you, there are some fucking weird people out there, I’ll give you that. From shitting fetishes to steamy affairs, here’s a run down of my personal top 10 sex confessions from the Red Light District:

Top 10 Sex Confessions from the Red Light District, Amsterdam

1. The first time I had sex, I tried giving head using toothpaste & nearly died from a burning tongue. He washed his dick in the sink in pain.

– Anon. California

I mean, fair. Girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.

Sex confession from Amsterdam Red Light District in Red Light Secrets Museum.
Just to prove to you, these are all very real confessions.

2. It really turns me on when people watch me going to the toilet, especially if I’m taking a poo! :O



Confused but not surprised. Also, why is this person apparently 14, ‘poo’ ‘#iloveit’ what u on hun?

3. I once walked in on my sister wanking off the family dog.


Fucking hell, you need Jesus.

Travel blogger on Amsterdam Canal.
Me judging every last one of these freaks

4. Once I did an Irish girl anal and she shat on me.


Oh gooood, more ‘poo’. Poor Del  😪

Sex confession from Red Light District, Amsterdam.

5. I once fucked my best friend’s father on a family holiday, in the pool. DADDY 🙂


HAHAHA now this is the type of goss I can get on board with.

6. My husband and I came to the Red Light District and had a threesome with a girl from a window.

Amazing xoxo.

W.A. 😉

This was clearly the husband’s idea…

Sex Confession from Red Light District, Amsterdam.

7. I once got fingered while interviewing someone for a job.

#HR #hegotthejob


Ah, yes, the start of every good porno.

8. I once used a deodorant can to pleasure myself but the lid came off and got stuck in my vagina. My mum had to take me to hospital to get it out. I was 15.


Lol get on Love Honey mate.

9. A few weeks ago my work colleague invited me over for dinner but it ended up in a threesome with her neighbour.


Well that escalated…

10. I once bought a strap-on so I could attach it to my head and my girlfriend could sit on it.


Admiration for the inventiveness, I won’t lie.

So I’m sure you’re all VERY curious to know my sex secret????

Yeah, fat chance. TBF, will probs tell you for a blog share, FB and Insta follow. Girl gotta earn that bread to keep providing you with this GOLD content. So help me out and I’ll message you it.

Nah, hoped you enjoyed this one, if you did, don’t be afraid to hit that share button and keep updated on FB and Insta for the next one. Links below…

In a bit xo