Miami: how all our nights ended up in strip clubs

Sooooo, how did I end up seeing two girls clap their arse cheeks together whilst two men placed dollar bills in their thongs I hear you ask????? ?? ?? ?

Read on to find out!

Boys and girls, it has been more than a hot second since I last gifted you with one of these but the time felt right to pick up the ol’ blog again with MIAMI BABYYYYYY. 

I can honestly say that Miami is unlike any other place I’ve been to in the sense that I’ve never seen so many strippers in my life. To sum up in 3 words Miami is all about: sun, sex and show.

Sooooo, how did I end up seeing two girls clap their arse cheeks together whilst two men placed dollar bills in their thongs I hear you ask????? ?? ?? ?

Think the club would sue me if I showed you guys the full video…

Let’s roll it back to the beginning of our trip as I take you on a journey of discovery (much like myself at the time) as we find out why innocent Jen ended up spending a good 80% of her nights out in strip clubs.

Day 1: the group had such high hopes for a pleasant flight but being the tight bastards we are only booked ‘light economy’ – what even is that? 

I’ll tell you what it is, an absolute shit show. With a transit time of less than 2 hours, we almost missed our connecting flight despite sprinting through the airport.

Actually, sorry, change that, more like thudding through the airport like the unfit hippos we are. 

AND to top it all off, American Airlines lost our bags despite us picking them up in Orlando and transferring them over.

The moment we realised we weren’t getting the bags anytime soon

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. We’d made it to MIAMI BABYYYY but we were also having to listen to a fucking moron at the airport try to tell us that one bag was in Charlottesville, another in Heathrow and another just gone, forever – tip. of. the. iceberg.

Day 2: Group morale was down. No one had showered, no one had clean underwear and I can confirm, no one was expecting to end up in a strip club that night but OH don’t we treat ourselves.

Ready for the strippers amirite

The club: E11even

The vibe: boobs and noons

The night started as any girls night out does, with a bottle of 12.5% wine and a solitary tequila shot. We headed to a speakeasy to pre and shortly after paying $50 for 3 drinks proceeded to hit up the nearest ‘liquor store’ and buy 3 four lokos only to drink from paper bags on the street — classy broads. 

If you don’t know what four loko is, get to know; it can kill a bitch.

So whilst we’re all on our way to the sweet release of death, we hop in an uber to the super club we’ve been hearing mumblings about, E11even.

I shit you not we queued up for an hour straight all whilst absolutely butters 40 year old women were getting let in, no doubt, by some bald bouncer looking for a good time.

We all aggressively entered the club and at first sight it seemed like any other Mayfair, bouji establishment. We decided to explore and as we delved in further, we realised we were perhaps not on the gals’ night we had expected.

Here is how Google describes your one and only super club:

‘Energetic, neon-lit night spot with trapeze dancers, burlesque shows, DJs & live music performances.’

Seems safe, no? Nada. 

Not really sure how it went from this to about a million strippers?

Towards the back of the club was a raised circular stage, littered with poles and half naked girls. We walked through the crowd, who were all gathered in awe and it kind of felt like an open zoo but with beautiful women and scantily dressed amazing bods that frankly, we were also in awe of.

Feeling uncomfortable being so close to the action we decided to strut ourselves up to the balcony to watch from afar. The balcony had multiple vip tables, which as you would expect were full of sleazy old men. Did that stop us from joining them? Absolutely not.

Please babes, please

We ended up on a table celebrating a geeza’s 50th whilst one had the overwhelming confidence and too much cash to spend on propositioning a 23 year old to sleep with him all because they’d got a bottle they spent half the year saving up for. 

Imagine, a literal old man repeating the words ‘I want to have sex with you’ to a young woman half his age on repeat for hours…

Grow up or just die already babe.

After breaking my heels on the long stairway down, I proceeded to walk bare foot out of the club and hop into an Uber which carried your 3 princesses away to bed.

3 princesses OR
3 whales – you decide

Day 3: Morning came with a lot of vomiting involved, lot of sun involved, lot of regret involved.

Were we willing to head back out on the town? No. Were we willing to spend all day at the beach getting burnt? Yes.

Turns out if you get your bum out at the beach, promoters FLOCK to you.

Shoutout to my boys Andrew and Dimitri. We decided to take up Andrew on his proposition for the following evening in a club called Mokai as he seemed like the most normal out of the two, WRONG — please read on to see.

Maybe don’t get with a promoter lads

Day 4: Time for our second night out in MIAMI BABYYY. 

As Will Smith so eloquently put it in his literary masterpiece, Miami: ‘Ladies half dressed, fully equipped’.

Bloody hell, yes, fully equipped they were. Walked in to a rather empty club to be struck by a goddess on a pole.


“Ffs girls, we’re in another strip club”. You got it.

Girl power xoxo

Whilst not actually a strip club per-say, it was more than ya gal with wings and a bra in sugar hut on a Saturday night, let’s just put it that way.

As the club got busier smoke filled the air as people were lighting cigs left, right and centre. A man straddling a woman on the table next to us. Free flowing alcohol turning angels into bitches gone wild. 

Anything goes in Miami. Everything is centred around bodies, sex, alcohol and a general haze of phoney-ness quite unmatched by any other place.

So happy to be with my lips shaped urinal

Day 5: nothing noteworthy

Day 6: the girls engaged in a wholesome activity, saw some gators, had some bevs, I won’t bore you


Day 7: your favourite girls leave Miami to head down to the Keys in a white mustang like the basic bitches we are.

Get in loser, we’re going shopping

Miami had gifted us with strippers, hangovers and a loss of dignity so we thought we’d regain it by spending the weekend away in a more wholesome place.

Fed some fish, did some snorkelling, rested up and awoke the next day feeling refreshed for a relaxingggggg timeeee awayyyyyy.

Bloody birds

Day 8: fast forward to our first night in Key West and I fucking died.

Oh, AND guess what, I ended up in a strip club AGAIN with a man named Erik from Tampa. What is up with Florida and strip clubs? Like seriously, wtf?

If you’ve ever been to New Orleans, Key West is kind of like that vibe. It’s full of old people who look like they’ve only just discovered their youth late in life and are looking to get absolutely sloshed away from the kids.

So wholesome

You’d think it sounds kinda wholesome, drama free, good old time but jesus, the drama never ends.

Got myself into a messy situation didn’t I, involving a country singer, a mistress and a girlfriend pregnant with triplets — wild.

Long story short, we started our evening in a bar listening to a very talented country singer. We invited said singer to join us on our night out to which he came. 

A kind, innocent gesture as we enquired who the woman on his background was. He told us she was no one, that he didn’t have a girlfriend but he did have a pregnant ex girlfriend having his triplets who he was going to co-parent in the near future. Tbh, no one really cared and he slinked his way off when he realised shooting his shot had failed.

Didn’t think anything of it UNTIL I received these messages:

Had to respond
Ok, now stop pls
Smarter than I hahaha

Day 9: a tame day spent people watching, wandering round Ernest Hemingway’s house and returning to the same bar where I actually met the love of my life but that’s a story for another time.

Literature student in Hemingway’s house, shocker

Day 10: the time had come to say goodbye and good riddance to strippers. You know what though, Miami was jokes. Unique vibe and everybody just wants to live the dream babyyyy. 

Amidst the naked women, sleazy old men and creepy promoters is a place where people just wanna have a goooood time. 

So, soak up the sun, drink some cocktails and just let Miami take you on its wild ride.

In a bit x o

How’s the back treating you babe?
Don’t even think about it hun
You kill it, we grill it
“Do not use the pool if you are ill with diarrhoea”

Stay in a Vegas Penthouse for £30 a Night

Live the champagne lifestyle on a prosecco budget in LAS VEGAS BABY.

Find out how you can get a penthouse for just £30 a night.

After returning from the infamous ‘America trip’ people kept asking me how I could afford life and I mean after that trip, I couldn’t really afford life but it made me think about what the PEOPLE want, i.e. you.

You want those all-important insider tips to save money. I GOT YOU, which is why I have created this Boujee on a Budget section. First edition: VEGAS BABY.

I’ve narrowed it down to 5 top tips that’ll help you live the champagne lifestyle in Vegas but on a prosecco budget; including, how you can stay in a Vegas penthouse for £30 a night, how you can eat a 3-course meal at a Gordon Ramsay restaurant for under £50 and how to get free drinks in one of the most infamous hotels. So here we go:


Stay at my boy Nas’ place

You’re planning your trip and for most people it’s probably a once-in-a-lifetime event. I mean, c’mon it’s Vegas. You’re thinking if I’m going to do Vegas, I’m going to do it properly but properly doesn’t mean you have to empty your savings for a suite at Caesar’s Palace or The Venetian.


What I’m telling you is that you can get a penthouse in the MGM Grand for £30 a night. Do you know who has a residency there?! Calvin Harris baby. Do you know what else is there? Hakkasan Nightclub. It has one of the biggest casinos in Vegas, a million restaurants and bare pools. It even has travelators so you don’t have to walk. If that’s not luxury, I don’t know what is.

mgm pool
Lazy river so you don’t even have to swim hungover

So, you want to know how you can stay in not just the penthouse but the upper penthouse for £30 a night? Simple. Book your stay through Airbnb instead of through the MGM Hotels website. It sort of looks like a bit of a con when you do it but I swear to God it works a treat and the pictures look exactly like the place. Don’t worry you still have access to all of the hotel’s facilities just like a regular hotel guest but at a fraction of the price!

entrance way
Message me for details for this exact place


Sorry lads, this one’s for the girls. If you’ve ever been to a club in Mayfair, London you’ll know what I’m going to say. Promoter, promoter, promoter.

Get yourself a promoter for a club. It shouldn’t be hard, we ended up with about 10 promoters’ numbers between us by the end of our stay. A promoter will basically get you into the club as a ‘VIP’ if you pick the right one. You’ll get free entry, queue jump and free drinks all night.

As long as your group has majority girls, then it’s more than likely the guys with you will also get free stuff so I mean this one depends on your morals. I have none so was perfectly happy living it large in Caesar’s Palace.

Enjoying those free drinks in hand


If you’re planning a road trip in that part of America then this one is definitely for you. Vegas is essentially situated in the middle of nowhere. Drive out of Death Valley and you’ll soon hit the bright lights of Nevada. The fact that it’s in the middle of a desert is a blessing if you’re into nature. Hit up Death Valley and look at some aesthetic rock formations.

It costs $15 for an individual to enter the park and this access lasts for 7 days or alternatively if you know you’re going to other national parks on your trip, e.g. Yosemite, The Grand Canyon, Joshua Tree, Monument Valley then you should buy the annual National Park Pass.

You wouldn’t think that buying access for a year would be cheaper but it is. The annual pass costs $80 but you can put two names on the card and it’s valid for everyone in the vehicle with you. We visited 5 national parks during our two-week trip so it worked out at around $4 each for entrance to each park. Bargain fellas.

Enjoying that nature looking v. orange for some reason


Trust me on this one please. I spent many sleepless nights researching the BEST rental car company in America for 21-year-olds. It’s FOR SURE.

There were 4 of us on the trip and we managed to get a good 4×4 for just under £200 each for 15 days. That included paying a surcharge for being under 25 and all insurances. They even included another under-age driver on there for free.

Although, the best thing about this company is that it was so easy to pick up the car and return it. No hidden costs, no time delays and you are able to simply go out into the parking lot and choose the car you want. They’re all out there with the keys in. Get in one, take it for a little drive round the car park, don’t like it? That’s fine, put it back and pick another.

Lucky for us, we were able to switch cars after we realised the one we initially chose smelt like piss.

A VERY lovely KIA no less


Ok, so this one is not really that budget friendly but it’s boujee af and you need to try it. For some reason my guilty pleasure is Gordon Ramsay and you know, I wanted to fulfil the dream of eating his fine, fine food so found out that there was a Hell’s Kitchen restaurant in Vegas.

Try and tell me I don’t look boujee af

I tried calling the restaurant to make a reservation but I wasn’t getting anywhere so we decided to don some nice clothes and try our luck as a walk-in. Turns out if you go to a fancy restaurant in Vegas at lunch, you’ll probably get in. Everyone else in Vegas is either still asleep, too hungover or have already started drinking.

You can choose from Gordan’s signature dishes including the infamous beef wellington that is produced time and time again on his show. They will try and give you the normal lunch menu but it’s all about the ‘express three course lunch’, which you can get for about $60. I know I know it’s a lot but it’s THREE COURSES and worth it. That’s under £50.

The infamous Wellington ! !! !

So, there you have it. Those are my top tips for getting by in Vegas whilst still being a boujee lil’ bitch. Got any questions? Seriously, I’m all ears and love sharing my tips and experiences.

In a bit xo

Drive through Death Valley to get to Vegas


Thought I was in Vegas?

This is INSIDE a hotel

Vibing where Calvin Harris plays

Loving those casinos

Find The Hidden Chapel At The Top Of This Mountain

You ever heard of my g, Moses? Ever wanted to climb to the place where he received the Ten Commandments from God? Ever wanted to see THE Burning Bush as described in the holy book?

Nah me neither but here’s a hike you can do that is a little off the grid and not as basic as my short stint in Yosemite.

You ever heard of my g, Moses? Ever wanted to climb to the place where he received the Ten Commandments from God? Ever wanted to see THE Burning Bush as described in the holy book? Nah me neither but here’s a hike you can do that is a little off the grid and not as basic as my short stint in Yosemite.

So, where/what am I talking about? In the depths of the Egyptian desert is a place called Saint Catherine’s Monastery; this monastery lies at the bottom of a mountain called, Mount Sinai or to locals, ‘Gebel Musa’ (Mount Moses). Bare tourists flock to the site on pilgrimage but I know you’re all in it for the Insta so here’s how to ‘do’ Mount Sinai right.

St Catherine’s Monastery is located slap bang in the centre of a region called the Sinai. A region often overlooked by the Egyptian government and not ventured to by many tourists due to its unsafe narrative. Since the revolution in 2011, Egypt’s tourism has dropped significantly and unfortunately, the Sinai isn’t an area where political turmoil has ceased.

However, the trouble is closely contained in the northern part of the area so you will actually be fine visiting. It’s for the GRAM C’MON LOSERS.

The British Government advises all but essential travel to the area in which the monastery is located. You just have to ask yourself one question: Is my blog essential? Obvs.

Lol British Government travel advice – what do they know?

Nah, but seriously, this means that most travel insurers won’t cover you so you know, be careful, don’t break a leg on the mountain, don’t get bamboozled by a camel etc.

Ok, on to the hike. Where should you stay? There are a couple of hotels (if you can call them that) near the monastery but after reading the reviews I decided not to put my body through that. One review said they had to sleep in their dirty clothes from the hike because the beds were that dirty. Niiiiiicee.

No filter I swear, Dahab is peng

So, stay in the nearby cities of Dahab or Sharm El Sheikh. If you went on a package beach holiday with your family in between the years of 2000 and 2011, you probably went to Sharm El Sheikh, or it was a strong option. It’s a beautiful beach town. Both are world renowned for their diving spots and landscapes. Kill two birds with one stone and have a nice resort to come back to after the hike.

The hotels will run tours to St Catherine’s but will rip you off. APPARENTLY, the ‘done’ thing is to start climbing at 12 (midnight) in order to catch the sunrise at the top at 5am/6am. Don’t do that.

Ask the hotel for a taxi to take you and pay for a mountain guide when you get there. Isn’t part of the enjoyment of hiking getting to see where you’re going? Also, wouldn’t you rather SEE the camel shit you’re stepping in?

Anyway, if you go any time other than Summer then you’ll be able to climb in the day. It’s not that high up and if you’re relatively alright health-wise, it won’t take you that long. Fun fact: It’s 3,750 steps up. HA HA grant me the sweet release of death now.

There are two routes up the mountain. Numero 1: The ‘Camel Path’; this takes 2-3 hours one way and is longer and shallower than the other route, which brings me onto numero 2: The ‘Steps of Penitence’; this bad boy is 1.5-2 hours one way and is more direct. FYI because numero 2 is only available to climb during the day and is a little harder, you won’t see any tourists.

Once you reach the top you’ll be greeted by a chapel built in 1934 on the ruins of a 16th century church but who cares about that right? You’ll be standing in the EXACT spot where Moses received the 10 commandments after spending 40 days and 40 nights in the desert. The EXACT spot. I’m calling bullshit but fair.

When you come back down, you’ll be able to visit the monastery (the actual attraction), a UNESCO World Heritage site – am I impressing you yet ehhh?  Well, actually, you might be able to, you might not be able to. The monastery is closed for most of the time, open from 9am-12pm on most days and only open for 1 hour on Fridays and Sundays. BUT, bribe the doorman who looks like a villain from a Disney film and you’ll get exclusive access.

I know I shouldn’t be promoting the whole bribing thing but a priest’s gotta eat too.

The monastery was built between 548 and 565, it’s one of the oldest in the world and has the oldest operating library in the world. Prior to the British Library it was home to one of the four great manuscripts that contained the entire text of the Bible.

I’m not gonna bore you with the rest of the history of the place, you can Google it or message me if you’re interested in that BUT if you are interested in doing something a little different, going somewhere a little different and experiencing something a little different, then please, go.

Egypt has so much to offer and it would be a shame if my Insta game wasn’t rivalled by at least one of you xo

Guide used: Ashraf – GREAT GUY, became my insta boyfriend for the afternoon. If you’re planning on going, message me for his deets.

Mount Sinai
View from the top
THE Burning Bush
Mount Sinai
Clock that sweat patch bitches

The Forgotten WWII Cemetery Tucked Away In The Desert

What if I told you that there was a place in the desert where almost triple the amount of WWII soldiers are buried compared to the Ypres Reservoir Cemetery in Belgium?

As it’s Remembrance Day I thought it important to raise awareness of the forgotten troops who are laid to rest in the most unlikely place.

Today marks 100 years since the end of the First World War and though a day to remember those who gave their lives in WWI, in recent years it has become a day to remember Commonwealth troops who have died in all wars across the last century.

So who are the troops who fell in 1942 that I’m referencing? They were part of Britain’s Eight Army in North Africa. As kids we’re taught about The Battle of Somme, we’re shown the horrific remains of concentration camps in Germany and we’re taken to Ypres on school trips. But, what if I told you that there was a place where almost triple the amount of WWII soldiers are buried compared to the Ypres Reservoir Cemetery in Belgium?

Of the 11,866 who are commemorated, 7,240 Commonwealth soldiers are buried in the town of El Alamein on the north coast of Egypt (150 miles north-west of Cairo). You’re probably thinking where? You’d be right in having this reaction. I had no idea this existed until I went to visit the nearby city of Marsa Matrouh.

I stepped out of the car into an unbearable heat. All I saw were some pick up trucks, some diggers and some confused labourers. Was I in the right place? I passed by some tarpaulin and was greeted with this, the forgotten cemetery…

So, what actually happened there all those years ago AND why have we forgotten about it? In January of 1942 the German commander, Erwin Rommel began to move eastward in an attempt to secure North Africa and the Suez Canal after their hold in Libya. By the Summer the Axis troops had reached the town of El Alamein.

The first of two battles commenced and 13,250 Allied troops were either killed or wounded. This battle ended in a stalemate and the British General, Claude Auchinleck was sacked, his replacement was killed and so Bernard Montgomery was left to take charge.

Montgomery had time to build an offensive whilst Rommel was still suffering from losses of the first battle and on the defensive. In October, Montgomery used a diversion in the South and attacked from the north. Progress was slow from the Allied forces but infantry in the Australian and New Zealand divisions helped create an opening in the Axis’ defence that the British could exploit.

On 2nd November Rommel told Hitler the battle had been lost and withdrew his men. Operation Torch confirmed the victory (Anglo-American landings in North Africa on 8th November). The second battle left 9,800 Allied dead, 9,000 wounded and 9,000 Axis dead, 15,000 wounded and 30,000 captured.

The battles were significant as they led to the German surrender in North Africa. So why have we forgotten about it? I don’t know. That’s it, I don’t have some grand reasoning other than that we feel detached from something so far from home.

Last month the British government, for the first time, paid for 6 veterans to visit the battlefield on the 76th anniversary. All of them, now in their 90s, recalled the horrors they experienced all those years ago.

I had no idea about any of this but maybe I’m just ignorant? I guess my point in writing this was not just to give you a small history lesson but to highlight the importance of remembrance. Here are thousands of soldiers who have been left in the desert and forgotten by the many. We take modern day values and ways of thought for granted. We need to remember all who have died and why.

Remembrance Sunday is not an attempt to glorify war but to simply remember those who have died. It is an opportunity to honour the dead. Attach whatever meaning you want to the day but ultimately the day belongs to the fallen soldier.

Wearing a poppy isn’t some kind of jingoism that should be associated with a warped nationalism but with respect and honour. Today, think of peace and hope.

Lest we forget.

Egypt: a country steeped in bribery or just good tips?

Throughout this blog you’re going to see some images that are pretty cool (in my humble opinion) but I would never have been able to capture these if not for one thing, money.

As I’m sure you will have noticed I’ve stopped banging on about America now and managed to find myself in Egypt. Not spiritually, just bantering about with my parents. I’m HALF EGYPTIAN don’tcha know.

Throughout this blog you’re going to see some images that are pretty cool (in my humble opinion) but I would never have been able to capture these if not for one thing, money.

Everyone expects a backhander or are we to call that a tip? Here’s just a few things I wouldn’t have been able to do if it weren’t for this ‘tipping culture’:

• Climb on the pyramid next to a sign that says “No climbing”

• Take a picture of hieroglyphs inside a tomb

• Go behind the pyramids for that ‘wonder shot’

• Special access to the Sphinx

• Drive a bell hop’s golf buggy in a hotel

Mena House Cairo
Breakfast with a view

I knew that I wanted to go out into the desert so I could see the pyramids from afar but had no idea my guide would have to ‘tip’ everybody and their brother along the way.

We came out of the hotel and were immediately approached by a tall, rat-like man who offered us a deal — 400 LE (around £18) for a 2 hour camel ride. We took one look at the hill beside us and chose to take the man up on his offer.

He told us he would take us to where we could pick up the camels and our guide. Soon enough rat-man pulled around in his rat-mobile and we got in. In hindsight this probably wasn’t the smartest decision, getting in a random, ratty man’s car.

Nevertheless, the rat-mobile served us well as we were taken down some backstreets to our camels, Michael Jackson and Mickey Mouse. I took one look at the white one and was like nah, absolutely not, that is not a bit of me. It looked so angry so I left my mum to that demise.

After the initial struggle of getting on the camel we plodded along the ‘authentic’ route to the back of the pyramids. I have never seen so many loose animals left to their own devices, think horses, donkeys, camels, goats, dogs. Men flying past in flip flops on horses.

At one point my mum (the native Egyptian can I remind you) tried to warn a tourist not to keep touching the dogs. The woman looked at my mum like she was a stupid bitch and ignored her; she was white with dreadlocks, woven bracelets up and down her arms, patterned trousers, you know the type. Probably a travel blogger or something, typical. Have fun getting rabies ya dickhead.

Anyway, so we’re in the desert and my main man Karam says he will take “AMAZING” pictures for me, all I have to do is wait. And you know what, he was SO right. Karam became my insta boyfriend for the next two hours, whata guy (see below).

My main man Karam

We get to a good viewing point and Karam goes over to a man and hands him a note. Next, we go up close to the big boi pyramid and he tells me to climb over the railing. I look at him like are you sure hun and he simply tells me to be quick and hands another note over to two men.

I climbed up a few steps and one man started shouting at me “Enough, enough!” Karam tried to reason with him whilst still taking photos, MY G. Lastly on this tour, the Sphinx. Whilst all the other normies were crowded on the other side Karam took me round to a road alongside the Sphinx where no one was. Got these cracking pics didn’t I?!


Just kiss me bitch

We come to the end of our journey and of course, common etiquette is to tip the tour guide, right? My mum hands over a 100 LE note to which Karam questions the amount. “For both of you?” he asks, “it’s for my kids”. She apologises profusely and hands over another 100. Whilst we weren’t actively ‘tipping’ all these officials along the way, I can’t help but think whether the money was handed to them or Karam it was all for the same thing, bribery. There’s no other way to address it, it’s bribery.

Whilst the pyramids is a hot spot for tourists from all over, a lesser known place called Saqqara isn’t, yet still as active in its taking of bribes, SORRY, tips. The site contains pyramids, tombs, ruins etc. There is a man at the entrance of every tomb waiting not for you but for his money.

We picked up a nice man along the way who asked if we wanted to ride his horse, (his actual horse don’t worry) and off we went. He showed us around , gave us some interesting history and of course, again, I’d think it natural to tip this man who had spent the good portion of an hour with us.

However, I would not expect to tip the man who let me pass into the tomb. We had already paid entry into the sites, why would I need to pay again for no extra service? Mahmoud had let us take pictures in the tomb and similarly to Karam had rushed us before anyone saw. He asked us to tip the man who guarded the tomb on the way out; I realise now it was for the privilege of being able to break the rules.

It’s a lax society in some ways and not in others. Do you really think I would have been able to drive a golf buggy around the hotel if we hadn’t been tipping the bell boy well? Actually, this is a bad example, he was A KIND MAN; he probs would have let me ride it around.

My point is at every turn it seems like someone is after what they call in Arabic, “baksheesh”. Ask any Egyptian about the country’s recent history of corruption and they will condemn it. Ask them about the 100 LE they used to get a government document processed a little faster and they will condone it.

The little man forgets an act of bribery is corruption no matter on what scale. Many Egyptians are tired of the regime they’ve succumbed to but perhaps this is part of a culture ingrained so deeply that it can’t change. Who am I to hold judgement? I don’t live here. I don’t fully understand the culture. I don’t understand that maybe this is ‘just the way things work’.

Should I refuse to partake in it? On this kind of scale, is it bribery or is it really just ‘good tips’? Where does the line blur? It happens all over the world.

As always let me know your thoughts in the comments or email me, inbox me, DM me, anything you want fellas.

ALSO, keep updated on the journey by doing me a solid and following me on Instagram. Cheers xoxo

See below for details of where I stayed and who I’d recommend taking tours with :

Hotel: Marriott Mena House, Giza

Tours: Giza pyramids, the man in the picture called Karam. Straight opposite the Mena House entrance.

Saqqara, Mahmoud and his horses (message me for a phone number)

Look how ripped I look

Does it look like I’m flying?



Yosemite: the ultimate unfit, non-gymming, slightly chubby student’s guide to the National Park

Speaking of which, the brochures Yosemite hand out are very informative, especially on the topic of hungry animals. If you encounter a mountain lion ‘hold kids up so that they look bigger’ not sure how sound this advice is? Also, if it attacks you ‘always fight back’. What kind of advice is this?! Ffs.

Yosemite is one of America’s most impressive national parks; it’s in California’s Sierra Nevada mountains and covers 1200 sq miles. Home to the tallest waterfall in America and around 300-500 black bears, 3.5 million visitors come every year to witness its magnificent landscape.

Ok, for those of you who still don’t know what I’m talking about let me make it a bit easier. You know that massive rock on the default background of a Mac? Yeah, it’s that big boi.

So, how do you ‘do’ Yosemite? Ima try and give you a quick run down of how to complete Yosemite.

How to get there

As you’d expect the park isn’t exactly near anything big but the closest airports are San Francisco, Fresno, Merced or Oakland. You’d then need to rent a car to get to the park. We drove from San Francisco in the shitty Kia and it was alright but we ended up staying an hour and a half drive from the entrance of the park. Why did we do that? 1. The place was bouji af with a hot tub 2. Finding accommodation NEAR Yosemite is so bloody difficult.

Where to stay

There’s a bunch of ‘lodges’ near the park but they’re spenny and get booked up fast. You could camp but if you’re idiots like us then you probably won’t lock your food away properly in the designated boxes and will get eaten by a bear. (There are many warnings about this, I’m not lying, you will get eaten by a bear if you leave food out).

Speaking of which, the brochures Yosemite hand out are very informative, especially on the topic of hungry animals. If you encounter a mountain lion ‘hold kids up so that they look bigger’ not sure how sound this advice is? Also, if it attacks you ‘always fight back’. What kind of advice is this?! Ffs.

Anyway, back to our accommodation. Christine and Lee’s Airbnb hit the spot. Clean, nice beds, lil hot tub, amazing. Although they wouldn’t provide extra sheets for a sofa bed unless we paid extra – stingy gits.

The ‘Crane Suite’ as they labelled their small home was situated in Ahwahnee, population of 2,246, ayyyy buzzin’. Have you just spent 2 minutes trying to pronounce that place? Yeah same. I still don’t know how you say it but it doesn’t matter. All you need to know is that it’s a small town in Yosemite Valley with a less than comprehensive mini mart run by a guy who looks like he’s been in that exact mini mart in that exact cashier’s seat for his whole life.

Yosemite guide
Spot that crane

It’s useful to stock up on supplies if you want to take lunch with you as there’s not much in terms of eating wise in the actual park. We stocked up at said mini mart with said guy. We bought all of the food we wanted and just as we were saying goodbye the guy said in a slow, lulling Southern accent, “By the waaaay… yurr caaarrd gat declynnneed”.

I got a bit flustered and said, “Oh shit, sorry did you want me to do it again?”

-“If ya waaant” (I mean how else was I going to pay for it?)

-“Oh, yeah, sure. Let me just put it in again.”

-“Y’all travellers? I think the baaankss git a lil con-fused whin thaay see Ahwahnee, be-cause they say to thermselvess ‘Wherr the helll is thaaaaat’. So it miight take a few goesss.”

We finally left the mini mart and with it a man who was bound to still be there waiting for the sweet release of death in another 50 years. Went home, made lunch and anticipated a whole day of hiking in the park, Jesus.

What to do in the park if you’re as unfit as I am


Student guide to Yosemite
Ya girl’s unfit af

Student guide to Yosemite
Look at that sweat


Ok so, there are loads of things you can do in the park; you can swim in the lakes, you can see magnificent waterfalls, you can hike for hours, you can star gaze, you can drive to viewing points, there really is something for everyone.

If you’re like me and can’t deal with a lot of strenuous exercise because you’re lazy, then absolutely choose to do the second hardest hike in Yosemite. Sure, it was tough-ish but the views were worth it.

Don’t be put off by the word ‘strenuous’ because it really wasn’t that hard when I look back on it. We took the Four Mile Trail to Glacier Point, which is kind of misleading because it’s actually closer to 5 than 4. It has an elevation of 3,200 feet and took us roughly 6 hours roundtrip, including plenty of stop offs for pics (see below).

Guide to Yosemite
I look like such a try hard

Guide to Yosemite
Family day out

The hike is technically the second most difficult hike after Half Dome – the big ol’ rock boi I mentioned earlier. If you want to do this you’re going to have to leave super early in the morning as it’s 5000 feet above the valley floor and will take you roughly 10-12 hours roundtrip. ALSO, you need to apply for a special permit before you go, so plan ahead.


When should I go to Yosemite?

It’s always good to ask the park workers for advice on what to see when you’re there but if you’re after the glorious photos you see on postcards and plastered all over Instagram, you need to go to Yosemite in the Spring (see vid below from my visit last year).

There is no water in the valley during summertime and instead you’ll be greeted with fire risk warning signs. It’s hot. Like… really hot.

When we asked a woman at the visitor information desk for advice on the two hikes we wanted to do (haven’t mentioned the first hike as it wasn’t worth it) she looked at us like we were crazy. Tbf, she probably took one glance at Jack’s Stan smiths and thought to herself, they’re deffo going to die on the mountain.

She had one of those piercing, squeaking, nasally accents and told us that the valley was, “Burning UP”. After getting all our information, she waved us off and squawked “HAPPY HIKING LADIEEESSSS”. Oh shut up ya dickhead. WE WERE THERE ON THE ONLY DAY IT RAINED ALL SUMMER LADY, CLEARLY IT WAS COOLING DOWN. FYI the rain wasn’t enjoyable, it was like a monsoon and we all felt like we were blinded for some reason, that was weird.

All in all, absolutely go to Yosemite if you’re in California. The views look like a painting. Your pictures look like you took them in front of a green screen. It’s AMAZING.

If you’re going in the Summer definitely do the Glacier Point hike. If you’re going in the Spring, do the Nevada Falls hike like I did last year as you’ll see some great waterfalls. If you’re lazy you can also drive to Glacier Point but where’s the fun in that? Why do your make up and get great photos when you can look like a gremlin instead?

If you go to Yosemite after reading this send me a message and let me know and of course, HAPPY HIKING LADIES!

Yosemite National Park
Spot a wild Georgia

Yosemite National Park
Mate, you alright?

Yosemite National Park
There she is

Four mile trail
Chubs got up the mountain

New Orleans: Nashville but on meth

I saw some old woman, (who I’m going to say was at least 80) ride down Bourbon Street in a people bike wearing nothing but a bra and skirt blasting out ‘Move Bitch Get Out the Way’.

NEW ORLEANS, my my myyyyyy, this city is crazy. If I thought Nashville was mad, then this is like Nashville but on meth. If New Orleans was a person it would be that guy in every friendship group who takes it way too far on every night out and who you are low key worried about becoming a serious drug addict or alcoholic. So, you know… the fun one.

Bourbon Street is the infamous strip in NOLA and it’s kind of dirty but in a good way. You’ll see people pouring out of bars at all hours, women (old women) regularly getting their nipples out in exchange for beaded necklaces and you’ll even hear the sweet sounds of jazz music in the midst of the dirtiness.

Let’s get away from the city for a minute. Really do consider getting a tour out of the city whether that be taking a swamp tour or visiting a plantation. I was lucky enough to visit Oak Alley Plantation and was the youngest person on the tour. All in, it was $65 for transport there and back as well as a tour of the house. If you’ve got a good tour guide you’ll even get a short history lesson on the hour or so journey there.

So insta blogger innit

When we got back into the city, we bought a bottle of SoCo and headed for the bars. First one we spotted, ‘Bourbon Cowboy’; it had a mechanical bull so of course that was the first port of call. Rode the bull didn’t I?! Once the novelty of the bull had worn off and bald, military man Ray from Texas started to get a little TOO friendly, we moved on.

Living my best life

Next bar was the home of HUGE ASS BEERS and course we got one. Did I spill mine all over someone on the street from the balcony? Course I did. Turns out, my faux pas did not go unnoticed and the man stormed into the bar, up the stairs and tried to start a fight with my pal Seán. After countless attempts to tell him it was my fault, Blake Ward (so American) would not listen. Imagine an over privileged but really good looking frat boy, yeah… that. Escaping a punch in the face, we ended the night with a pizza from a woman who’s knowledge on local meth dealers could not be rivalled.

The following evening we decided to be a little more cultured and try some of the local cuisine. Draygos in the Hilton was recommended to us and albeit a little pricey, once seeing countless lobster dishes on the menu, I decided that was DEFFO a bit of me. For dessert we headed down to Cafe de Monde to try the infamous beignets and they did not disappoint fellas.

Lobster, oysters, mushrooms, pasta, JESUS

New Orleans is famous for two major things, its food and its music. We couldn’t leave without experiencing some traditional jazz so decided to get in line for Preservation Hall. Preservation Hall is a small intimate venue that was established in 1961 There’s no air conditioning so get ready for some serious bum juice. There’s no photography or recording allowed and there’s no microphone. What there is of course is great jazz music. It feels authentic because it is. At $20 a ticket, it’s worth it.

The hall is just off Bourbon Street so if you thought you were in for a relaxing evening of jazz, think again. As soon as you step out of the building you are once again reminded that you are in the mental district.

A night out on Bourbon Street is like if someone got every single hen party and stag do, every single lads and gals night out, every single addict and vomited them onto the street. Rules don’t seem to apply and you’ll end up appreciating the crazy things in life.

New Orleans is full of characters and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I saw a man go into the hotel swimming pool with a shower cap on. I saw another man sitting in only his dressing gown outside the Ritz smoking a cig and I saw some old woman, (who I’m going to say was at least 80) ride down Bourbon Street in a people bike wearing nothing but a bra and skirt blasting out ‘Move Bitch Get Out the Way’.

New Orleans, you were jokes but I think I would die there amongst all the craziness if you hosted me for more than a weekend.

Next stop ———> Los Angeles, California

Beignet at Cafe du Monde

Try some Alligator Bites, surprisingly nice

Check out Frenchman Street and find some artsy markets along the way

Nashville: Cowboy Maga

A word to describe Nashville? Fun. Two words? Guiltless fun.

If you’re like me and not super knowledgeable on the topic of the South then you’ll associate Nashville with great country music, hot chicken and dreamboat accents. After reading this, you’ll still associate it with all of those things because it was exactly like that.

I got a flight from New York and as soon as I entered the terminal I could feel I was in the South. Probably because they had country music blaring out. Anyway, I stepped out of the airport to be greeted by Jennifer driving my Uber. Jennifer, lovely name, lovely lady but also bat shit crazy. My Uber driver was either completely trashed or absolutely bolted. She was flailing her arms everywhere, head moving frantically from side to side, eyes darting whilst telling us how much she loved Princess Diana and hated Camilla — (read in deep southern accent) “Oh we all lurrvveee Diana; we hate Camilla, she can go dieeeee”. Ok, hun? Still trying to decide whether her being binned was funny or not; I’ve come to the conclusion it’s all just banter innit.

After not dying on the journey, we checked into our hostel. My man Ted gave us a little tour round the place and reminded us of the ‘no hard liquor’ rule. I met some great people in this hostel, it was really close to the main strip and wasn’t super spenny (details at the bottom). We met a low-key country music producer and violin prodigy as well as a singer who had just decided to stay in the hostel because it was “more fun”. Aside from them, you’ll probably bump into LOADS of English people if you go during the summer as they’ve all just flooded from summer camps. You just can’t leave the English behind… shoutout to my boy Max.

Although the hostel wasn’t too spenny, going out definitely was. The plus side is that almost every bar along Broadway (main street in Downtown) is open every day of the week til late and has a live band. There’s no cover charge for watching artists you’d normally pay for anywhere else in the world. The only down thing is that it means drinks are pricey. The bands take requests if you tip them and will interact with the customers. Ever listened to a country song ironically at pres? Think of how everyone goes mental for it and times that by 100. It’s a fun vibe, a mix between an authentic American city and a strip on a lads holiday.

Luke Bryan’s Bar (Huntin’, Fishin’, Lovin’ Everyday – that guy)

That’s not to say that every bar pounds out the same thing because they’re all different and there’s something for everyone. Choose between learning to line dance, attempting karaoke in the ‘Music City’ of America or dancing on the bar at Coyote Ugly. Ticked something of my bucket list with that last one for 20 seconds of fame on the bar before being told I couldn’t do that… and then realising I’d left my credit card in another bar… the good times just kept on flowing. Ultimately, the going out scene in Nashville was like Cowboy Maga (N.B. Seán came up with this and wants credit, write your own blog lil bitch).

Prime example of a Maga Cowboy

If you’re not into going out and getting drunk, don’t go to Nashville. Ahhh, I’m being superficial but also not, don’t go. Sure, there are things to do in the day but the main attraction is the amazing music. If you’re into country music then check out the Johnny Cash museum; read his personal letters, listen to his songs and watch clips of his movies. At $20 a ticket I wouldn’t recommend going unless you REALLY like Johnny Cash. Alternatively you can go and visit the Parthenon in Centennial Park, a replica of the one in Greece or maybe you could just go to Greece? On the plus side their food is just as big as the music. Try their hot chicken and for the best mac ‘n cheese eat at The Stillery.

The Parthenon
The Parthenon

The Stillery

Mac n’ cheese at The Stillery

Go to Nashville for the music, good food and people. You’ll be surprised at how into country music you’ll get. It’s an infectious atmosphere filled with carefree, outgoing and friendly people.

A word to describe Nashville? Fun. Two words? Guiltless fun.

*Hostel: Nashville Downtown Hostel, 177 1st Avenue North

Next stop —-> Memphis, Tennessee

Buy 1 pair and get 2 free – great deal fellas

Not quite Coyote Ugly but no one got a pic so enjoy this other cute one of me

Diabetes in a photo

New York: a haven for the confident, not the shy

Even in the bouji-est of yaaassss queen bouji places it was happening…

Hello friends, here we are again, your ol’ pal Jen has re-started this blog after HUGE demand for the international blogging sensation —cheers to all you sarcastic pricks.

For those of you who don’t know I’ve gone on a jaunt round America for the next month, where I will be aiming to provide you with a run down of the enigma that is the USA.

First stop: New York

I’m sure many of you reading this will have been to New York and yeah, I could just reaffirm that all the touristy things you did were worth it but cba. Go to the Met, see the Statue of Liberty, get in a yellow cab etc. but get out into the boroughs and listen to a guy tell you about how he lived in a cult for almost a year or how some guy got scammed into going on a tinder date with 200 other guys.

I stayed in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, edgy and try hard I know but ya gal needed some free accommodation so stayed with a friend. Think of Williamsburg as the Shoreditch of New York, loads of artisan coffee shops, overpriced craft beers and unfairly good looking people. If you find yourself there, go down to Smorgasburg, a food market next to the water. Think of Camden market but less shitty and with people taking insta pics with watermelons and drinks served in pineapples, that kinda thing. Good food though and you get a fab view of the skyline.

Venetian Sandwich
Venetian Sandwich

View from Smorgasburg

If you’re looking for something to do in the evening, get yourself down to Barcade (yeah, it’s an arcade in a bar). If you hate people, like me, then you’ve found a place where you can appear to be social without actually socialising with anyone. All the games are individual player except maybe one or two so, grab a beer and indulge the inner child with retro arcade games.

After that, we headed to a bar called Union Pool, which I was told was notoriously known as a ‘hook up bar’ (sorry mum and dad). I’M JOKING, relax. Just having some good time fun with friends. It was here in a relatively sober state that I realised how non-subtle New Yorkers are. People are definitely on the prowl. The two girls next to us immediately started flirting and talking to the two guys I was with. Girls!

And yeah, sure this place was kinda sleezy but it was happening in the nice places too. People just accept that they’re at a bar for one reason only, to “hook up” and they’re so blatant about it. Even in the bouji-est of yaaassss queen bouji places it was happening— rooftop bar, Mr Purple in Lower East Side. Imagine your typical wealthy guy in a shirt and chinos combo, drink in hand, surrounded by 5 women; he had his eye on the blonde but she was playing it coy. Next thing we know she’s gone and he’s onto the next one. Literally on… as soon as the blonde left his hand wormed it’s way down to the arse of the brunette next to him. No subtlety, just went for it. If you want this classy experience visit Mr Purple. Nah but seriously, if you love the high life vibe, do check out Mr Purple, totally instagrammable with a pool, good view and everyone pretending they have the money to spend on $16 cocktails.

Mr Purple Lower East Side
Pretending to enjoy myself drinking the cheapest thing on the menu

If you’re looking for something more chill and less alcohol focused then head on down or rather up, to the High Line. It’s a 1.45 mile walk along greenery on an old New York railroad. You’ll get a nice walk, see some contemporary art along the way and feel healthy. Or, get away from the crowds and go to Union Square. Not much to do but it’s a nice small green space and there are plenty of shops about. When we went, we arrived just after the aftermath of something ridiculous.

A half torn down stage was lying on the ground with the remnants of DJ equipment next to it. Alongside the equipment were a bunch of big cue cards. One of them said ‘Trump supporter’ with another saying ‘If you’ve ever been in a long term relationship’. A girl had matched with over 200 boys on tinder and asked them to meet her at Union Square at a specific time. When they showed up, she held up cue cards with conditions to eliminate them so she could find the right suitor. Who does that? To be fair, I think it was some publicity stunt to gain followers but still, WHAT?

Americans are so ballsey, New Yorkers especially. So, if you want in yer face experiences, definitely hit up New York.

Next city ——> Nashville, Tennessee

NYC High Line
Mural along the high line

13 reasons why… you should go on study abroad!

Have you ever been driven around by a stranger in a convertible whose front is held together with a massive chain? Have you ever spent the night on a citrus farm in the middle of nowhere? Have you ever slept with an infestation of spiders above your head? If you want all this and more, go to the ol’ UC Berkeley friends.

Have you ever been driven around by a stranger in a convertible whose front is held together with a massive chain? Have you ever spent the night on a citrus farm in the middle of nowhere? Have you ever slept with an infestation of spiders above your head? If you want all this and more, go to the ol’ UC Berkeley friends. I was considering writing some really soppy, meaningful ode to Berkeley but nah, here’s 13 reasons why you should do study abroad:

  1. Contacts

As an international student you get to meet a bunch of other international kids which means you can basically exploit your friendships for free accommodation anywhere in the world–– I’m looking at you Tim.

Abundance of international pals

  1. New appreciation for travel

We’ve all been there, staring at some Instagram dickhead who is beautiful beyond words and travels the world but study abroad, especially in California, will let you pretend you’re that dickhead for a bit. I mean, look at me, I’m writing a blog… about travel… right now… You will discover a new appreciation for making the most of your travelling opportunities and you should take these in whatever form they come!


  1. You feel like an adult

Yeah, we all think going to uni or taking a gap year made us grow up but just wait till you’re in a queue in immigration with all your documents because you had to do adult stuff like apply for a visa. Or, when you’re arguing with sassy women in administration because your parents are an 11-hour flight away and not just can’t deal with, but have no desire to deal with your shitty problems. What I’m trying to say is, you’re on your own pal and it’s great.

  1. You also feel like a child

There’s something about American college life that makes you feel like you’re in school again but in a good way. Maybe it’s because my home university is in the city but even at British campuses I don’t think you get the same communal and friendly vibe. You’ll experience unbelievable friendliness and kindness from people who genuinely just want to help you.

  1. You’ll ‘find yourself’

In the least cringey way possible, being dumped in the middle of nowhere in completely new surroundings really makes you evaluate the kind of person you want to be, the kind of people you want to surround yourself with and what you value most in life.

  1. It’s basically one big holiday

Minus the academic stress of Berkeley, if you go to university in the UK, you will 100% feel as if you’re on holiday in California. I don’t even know why because I was doing twice as much work at Berkeley as I was at home but it’s just those Cali vibessss you know.

  1. You’ll do more spontaneous things

Given that your time abroad has a time limit on it, you’ll want to pack the most in that you can. Also, you’re in a country, thousands of miles away from anyone you know; you can do whatever you want to do without fear of being judged by those closest to you. You have the opportunity to really be yourself.

Be yourself; I can assure you no one batted an eyelid to this.

  1. Don’t you want to experience a frat party?

If you go to Berkeley, they’re not exactly wild like the films but you’ll still feel ‘American’ drinking shit beer out of your red solo cup while playing beer pong to the dulcet tones of trap music. Also, frats are actually as dirty as you think they are, beer all over the floor, remnants of tacos or some other savoury snack and wine in a bag. Tip: If you don’t get there too late, you wont have to pay for any alcohol for the whole night (frats have bare $$$$)


 9. Academic satisfaction

At Berkeley, you really are taught by the experts in their field and yes, every university says that but at Berkeley they really mean it. I actually felt like I was being taught things. Shocking isn’t it, valid teaching at university? I was encouraged to go to office hours for help, I was given constructive feedback on work and didn’t feel intimidated to put my hand up in class. I went to the library more times in one week than I did in a year and a half at King’s.

  1. Gain a zest for life

Americans are 10x happier for no reason; it’s super annoying at times but if it rubs off on you a little then you’re sorted. You’ll find yourself smiling at people in the street or saying ‘for sure’ to anything anyone asks you. You will become a beacon of happiness for generations to come.

  1. Friendz 4 lyf

Since starting uni I’ve been rather lost with the people I want to surround myself with but on study abroad you will definitely meet people who you know you will stay in contact with for a long time to come. You have the opportunity to completely revamp the kind of people you want to spend time with and it really makes you reflect on how you treat other people.

  1. Less judgemental/more open minded

If you go to Berkeley you will be immersed in a liberal bubble and that’s a good thing; it was a refreshing change to the hard line conservatism that I was used to from Essex. I say Essex, I mean my dad––yeah, Big Dave. Listening to others is actually a good thing. Respecting opinions, being compassionate and just being an all round decent person is just quite nice I guess.

  1. Give me one reason not to.


I want to take this opportunity to thank everyone that made my study abroad the way it was. It actually was a once in a lifetime in experience that I will never, ever forget and I am a better person because of it. So cheers fellaaaaaas. xoxo

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The infamous Chain Car