Miami: how all our nights ended up in strip clubs

Sooooo, how did I end up seeing two girls clap their arse cheeks together whilst two men placed dollar bills in their thongs I hear you ask????? ?? ?? ?

Read on to find out!

Boys and girls, it has been more than a hot second since I last gifted you with one of these but the time felt right to pick up the ol’ blog again with MIAMI BABYYYYYY. 

I can honestly say that Miami is unlike any other place I’ve been to in the sense that I’ve never seen so many strippers in my life. To sum up in 3 words Miami is all about: sun, sex and show.

Sooooo, how did I end up seeing two girls clap their arse cheeks together whilst two men placed dollar bills in their thongs I hear you ask????? ?? ?? ?

Think the club would sue me if I showed you guys the full video…

Let’s roll it back to the beginning of our trip as I take you on a journey of discovery (much like myself at the time) as we find out why innocent Jen ended up spending a good 80% of her nights out in strip clubs.

Day 1: the group had such high hopes for a pleasant flight but being the tight bastards we are only booked ‘light economy’ – what even is that? 

I’ll tell you what it is, an absolute shit show. With a transit time of less than 2 hours, we almost missed our connecting flight despite sprinting through the airport.

Actually, sorry, change that, more like thudding through the airport like the unfit hippos we are. 

AND to top it all off, American Airlines lost our bags despite us picking them up in Orlando and transferring them over.

The moment we realised we weren’t getting the bags anytime soon

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. We’d made it to MIAMI BABYYYY but we were also having to listen to a fucking moron at the airport try to tell us that one bag was in Charlottesville, another in Heathrow and another just gone, forever – tip. of. the. iceberg.

Day 2: Group morale was down. No one had showered, no one had clean underwear and I can confirm, no one was expecting to end up in a strip club that night but OH don’t we treat ourselves.

Ready for the strippers amirite

The club: E11even

The vibe: boobs and noons

The night started as any girls night out does, with a bottle of 12.5% wine and a solitary tequila shot. We headed to a speakeasy to pre and shortly after paying $50 for 3 drinks proceeded to hit up the nearest ‘liquor store’ and buy 3 four lokos only to drink from paper bags on the street — classy broads. 

If you don’t know what four loko is, get to know; it can kill a bitch.

So whilst we’re all on our way to the sweet release of death, we hop in an uber to the super club we’ve been hearing mumblings about, E11even.

I shit you not we queued up for an hour straight all whilst absolutely butters 40 year old women were getting let in, no doubt, by some bald bouncer looking for a good time.

We all aggressively entered the club and at first sight it seemed like any other Mayfair, bouji establishment. We decided to explore and as we delved in further, we realised we were perhaps not on the gals’ night we had expected.

Here is how Google describes your one and only super club:

‘Energetic, neon-lit night spot with trapeze dancers, burlesque shows, DJs & live music performances.’

Seems safe, no? Nada. 

Not really sure how it went from this to about a million strippers?

Towards the back of the club was a raised circular stage, littered with poles and half naked girls. We walked through the crowd, who were all gathered in awe and it kind of felt like an open zoo but with beautiful women and scantily dressed amazing bods that frankly, we were also in awe of.

Feeling uncomfortable being so close to the action we decided to strut ourselves up to the balcony to watch from afar. The balcony had multiple vip tables, which as you would expect were full of sleazy old men. Did that stop us from joining them? Absolutely not.

Please babes, please

We ended up on a table celebrating a geeza’s 50th whilst one had the overwhelming confidence and too much cash to spend on propositioning a 23 year old to sleep with him all because they’d got a bottle they spent half the year saving up for. 

Imagine, a literal old man repeating the words ‘I want to have sex with you’ to a young woman half his age on repeat for hours…

Grow up or just die already babe.

After breaking my heels on the long stairway down, I proceeded to walk bare foot out of the club and hop into an Uber which carried your 3 princesses away to bed.

3 princesses OR
3 whales – you decide

Day 3: Morning came with a lot of vomiting involved, lot of sun involved, lot of regret involved.

Were we willing to head back out on the town? No. Were we willing to spend all day at the beach getting burnt? Yes.

Turns out if you get your bum out at the beach, promoters FLOCK to you.

Shoutout to my boys Andrew and Dimitri. We decided to take up Andrew on his proposition for the following evening in a club called Mokai as he seemed like the most normal out of the two, WRONG — please read on to see.

Maybe don’t get with a promoter lads

Day 4: Time for our second night out in MIAMI BABYYY. 

As Will Smith so eloquently put it in his literary masterpiece, Miami: ‘Ladies half dressed, fully equipped’.

Bloody hell, yes, fully equipped they were. Walked in to a rather empty club to be struck by a goddess on a pole.


“Ffs girls, we’re in another strip club”. You got it.

Girl power xoxo

Whilst not actually a strip club per-say, it was more than ya gal with wings and a bra in sugar hut on a Saturday night, let’s just put it that way.

As the club got busier smoke filled the air as people were lighting cigs left, right and centre. A man straddling a woman on the table next to us. Free flowing alcohol turning angels into bitches gone wild. 

Anything goes in Miami. Everything is centred around bodies, sex, alcohol and a general haze of phoney-ness quite unmatched by any other place.

So happy to be with my lips shaped urinal

Day 5: nothing noteworthy

Day 6: the girls engaged in a wholesome activity, saw some gators, had some bevs, I won’t bore you


Day 7: your favourite girls leave Miami to head down to the Keys in a white mustang like the basic bitches we are.

Get in loser, we’re going shopping

Miami had gifted us with strippers, hangovers and a loss of dignity so we thought we’d regain it by spending the weekend away in a more wholesome place.

Fed some fish, did some snorkelling, rested up and awoke the next day feeling refreshed for a relaxingggggg timeeee awayyyyyy.

Bloody birds

Day 8: fast forward to our first night in Key West and I fucking died.

Oh, AND guess what, I ended up in a strip club AGAIN with a man named Erik from Tampa. What is up with Florida and strip clubs? Like seriously, wtf?

If you’ve ever been to New Orleans, Key West is kind of like that vibe. It’s full of old people who look like they’ve only just discovered their youth late in life and are looking to get absolutely sloshed away from the kids.

So wholesome

You’d think it sounds kinda wholesome, drama free, good old time but jesus, the drama never ends.

Got myself into a messy situation didn’t I, involving a country singer, a mistress and a girlfriend pregnant with triplets — wild.

Long story short, we started our evening in a bar listening to a very talented country singer. We invited said singer to join us on our night out to which he came. 

A kind, innocent gesture as we enquired who the woman on his background was. He told us she was no one, that he didn’t have a girlfriend but he did have a pregnant ex girlfriend having his triplets who he was going to co-parent in the near future. Tbh, no one really cared and he slinked his way off when he realised shooting his shot had failed.

Didn’t think anything of it UNTIL I received these messages:

Had to respond
Ok, now stop pls
Smarter than I hahaha

Day 9: a tame day spent people watching, wandering round Ernest Hemingway’s house and returning to the same bar where I actually met the love of my life but that’s a story for another time.

Literature student in Hemingway’s house, shocker

Day 10: the time had come to say goodbye and good riddance to strippers. You know what though, Miami was jokes. Unique vibe and everybody just wants to live the dream babyyyy. 

Amidst the naked women, sleazy old men and creepy promoters is a place where people just wanna have a goooood time. 

So, soak up the sun, drink some cocktails and just let Miami take you on its wild ride.

In a bit x o

How’s the back treating you babe?
Don’t even think about it hun
You kill it, we grill it
“Do not use the pool if you are ill with diarrhoea”

How To Score Cheap London Theatre Tickets If You’re Poor Like Me

Find out how to bag £15 London theatre tickets without compromising on rubbish seats.

Click to see how to get the deal.

Back as promised with a regular blog every Sunday and although not as entertaining as last week’s blog, this is still some useful shit for you all.

Find out how to bag tickets to a London play for just £15!! AND none of this restricted viewing bollocks or seeing dots on the stage from a million miles away, we’re talking actual, decent seats for £15 friends.

I hear you screaming HOW JEN? HOW DO YOU DO IT? How are you so selfless as to help us get these sweet, sweet deals? And all I can tell you is, that’s just me folks – a kind woman.

So what did I see? Who did I see? Where did I see it? What’s the deal?

What? Betrayal

Where? Harold Pinter Theatre

Who? Tom Hiddleston (obvs you know him but in case you don’t, Loki in Marvel films?), Zawe Ashton (remember Vod from Fresh Meat?!) and Charlie Cox (he puts the Dare in Daredevil oi oi)

Look how cute they all look:

Embed from Getty Images

The play is set two years after a love affair between a woman and her husband’s best friend has ended but the play travels back in time as we see how it all unfolded. With only 3 actors (excluding a brief appearance from a waiter and child) and minimal set you’d think you’d get bored but nah, hands down, this was one of the best plays I’ve ever seen. 

The theatre shouldn’t be reserved exclusively for the hoity-toity and this way it isn’t.

– Me

I saw Mr Hiddelston cry a single tear from 20 rows back. SO, at £15 you should get on this cheap London theatre tickets hype.

Now, I’m sure you don’t really care for my deep, literary review of Pinter’s Betrayal (I ‘read’ English at uni don’t cha know) but HERE WE GO…

Relax, I won’t, enough of the chat, here’s how you get cheap London theatre tickets:

For this particular play head on over to the Harold Pinter website and click on ‘Booking Information’. Scroll down and click on ‘learn more’ about #BetrayalRush tickets. Turns out plenty of theatres offer ‘rush’ type tickets whereby every week a set amount of tickets get released at a super cheap price.

This particular play’s offer was £15 stall tickets available to exclusively under-30s, key workers, recipients of job seeker’s allowance and other recipients of government benefits. The theatre shouldn’t be reserved exclusively for the hoity-toity and this way it isn’t.

All you have to do is click on the link given on a Monday before 12pm to enter a ballot. At 12pm you’ll be randomly assigned a place in the queue and shoot your shot at getting tickets. It’s limited to 2 tickets per person but let’s not get greedy, eh. 

It took me about 4 weeks to secure the tickets I wanted but BOY was it worth it. 

Now, Betrayal is coming to the end of its run but don’t fear, there are other theatres who do this kind of thing too. For example, The National Theatre allocates £20 tickets every Friday at 1pm for shows in all three of its theatres for the following week’s performances. Considering tickets can climb up to the £100 mark at times, this is a STEAL.

Not only that but if you join The National Theatre as a ‘youth member’ i.e. Entry Pass membership (it’s FREE) you get access to all the same shows for £7.50 a ticket and £10 for your second ticket purchase as long as the person you go with is also under 26. 

So, next time you’re heading out for a swanky evening to the theatre search ‘rush’ before the play’s name in Google and see if you can get a sweet deal. You might have to be prepared to watch something ad-hoc but let’s face it, what else are you doing? 

In a bit xo

Every Type Of Boy You’ll Find On Hinge

A run down of every type of boy you’ll find on the dating app, Hinge.

From freaks to fitties, check the list out. Remind you of anyone?

HELLO pals, haters, dad (I know you’re reading this). I’m back with an ultimate run down of all the boys you’ll find on Hinge. Guaranteed if you have Hinge, you’ll know what I’m talking about but, for those of you who don’t have Hinge and don’t know what it is, lemme explain it real quick. 

Hinge is essentially the best dating app going at the moment, Tinder is for hook-ups, Bumble is boring so here we are at a nice middle ground, Hinge. The quality of people is much better and the app allows you to answer questions about yourself on your profile so that someone could respond to one as a conversation starter. 

You can see all the people who either like your pictures or comment on your profile answers and decide whether you want to match with them and continue the conversation. Easy enough, right? 

So, after weeks of having and using Hinge (so much so that they upgraded me to a ‘preferred member’ for free for some reason) I have whittled the men on there into 10 categories. Enjoy xo

1. The one from the Home County

Hinge profile man jumping over horse
Certainly conveyed in that pic babes

We’ll start with the nice, easy one – the home county boy, which is basically every. single. boy. on. Hinge. They LOVE to ski and when I say LOVE I mean they literally have no other pics other than those from that one time at aprés.

They probably work in finance or some other dull job in the city and spend all they can on cocktails on a roof with a bit of fake grass or they’re saving for their next trip to Val-d’Isère, did I mention they ski?

Is that surprising Freddie? 1. You’re called Freddie 2. You went to Durham and 3. You live in Pimlico

2. The one who’s mature

You’ve read that headline thinking I’m going to talk about someone who thinks they’re super mature and up themselves but when I say mature I literally mean an old man.

Meet my main man, Pejman. I mean… he’s clearly not 25, is he? There’s a difference between exaggerating on your profile and just being an outright predator. Likeeeeee who do I report this to?

3. The one who’s a rugby lad


Yes, my friends, you all know what’s coming. They have tons of rugby pics, coulda been pro but had an injury and spend every weekend down in Infernos – ironically, of course. 

They probably will have alright chat but will blend into every other rugby lad on the app. They’re fit so you give them the benefit of the doubt despite being unoriginal. Wouldn’t say no tho…

4. The one who is a recruiter and a recruiter only

If you thought the term basic bitch only applied to females, you’re wrong. The recruiter is THE most basic boy on the app. He’s got an average profile, average chat and average pics.

They ‘geek out’ on Marvel, Game of Thrones or Harry Potter. Yes… just like every other person in the world. 

His friends would describe him as ‘nice’ but ultimately he’s very vanilla. There will be times when some quick quips will make you question your initial thoughts but then he’ll bring it back to a ‘come mine’ or ‘you up’ text and you’ll realise he is just THAT basic and THAT average. 

Strong effort

5. The one who lives at the gym

This guy LOVES himself because I mean, frankly, no one else does. His profile will be full of either sex jokes or simply a checklist of what he doesn’t want in a girl. Ok, mate, calm down, just because you sweat from your arse on a regular basis doesn’t mean it’s lubricated enough for people to climb up it.

The gym is the playground for his dreams. Nothing beats fitness. He works hard so that you can keep those hands manicured hunny, so you can keep those meals a-coming, so you can stay in the kitchen babe…. you get the idea.

6. The one who thinks he’s a model

This guy has got ZERO chat. You initially matched because you thought, yeah, I deserve a fitty but nah. He thinks he can cruise by on his looks and tbf he probably can for some girls but NO. Don’t get sucked in babe.

Every pic on his profile is either a professional headshot or portrait mode on an iPhone. He’s so self-indulged that he can’t even see when he’s outright insulting you… see below.

‘Didn’t find it funny’ ???? Are you dumb?????

7. The one whose life revolves around politics

Their profile explicitly states ‘No Tories’. They hate everyone and everything and think they hold some kind of attractiveness due to their ‘mystery’. What I mean by this is that they’re brooding, they’re cynical and they’re sarcastic. Every girl’s dream !! !

They’ve got a problem with mummy and daddy being conservatives so lash out any way they can but they still enjoy the home comforts of a cafetiere and the annual ski trip. Oh yeah, these ones still ski too.

8. The one who’s still living in 2012

It’s summer, Jason Derulo’s Ridin’ Solo has come out and is being blue toothed to every Nokia brick in the vicinity. Boys are wearing t-shirts with Rihanna’s face on with their signature beige chinos.

This is where this guy is living. He’s not quite let go of the good times from 7 years ago, he doesn’t understand social media etiquette and he’s still posting pics of his car in the hope of landing a girl. 

He puts an ‘x’ at the end of every text message, comment, status etc. and to make things worse, he can’t go two minutes without saying ‘haha’ or ‘lol’ followed by a laughing crying face. What is this?

9. The one with the inappropriate jokes

Now I’m not a prude but I just don’t find sexual jokes funny. This guy is the type of guy who will tell you, you’ve got no banter just because you don’t find sexism or general shit chat funny.

He belongs in the depths of Tinder sending away his dick pics and spends every moment wondering why he’s not getting that sweet p*$$y on Hinge. Get outta here.

10. The one who’s actually funny

Now, once in a while you sift through all of the above and you find a gem. He’s good looking, his answers are funny and conversation flows. A rarity but it can happen.

He’s the golden boy who’s actually nice, funny and fit and you can tell all his mates love him. You’ll probably meet up with him if it weren’t for all the horror stories of dating apps but you never know, watch this space.

Enjoyed the blog? Do me a solid and like the Facebook page for more ridiculous dating stories: https://www.facebook.com/justjennylamb/

Facebook not your thing? Keep up on Insta too: https://www.instagram.com/justjennylamb/?hl=en

Scroll down for more entertaining profiles. Let me know what you want my next blog to be. In a bit xo

Sex Confessions from the Red Light District

Real Sex Confessions from Amsterdam’s Red Light District.

Read to find out people’s dirtiest secrets.

What you doing here ya cheeky bastards? Ready and waiting for this racy blog that’s what. Pure filth but I mean same. I would have clicked on this link too.

SEX: a taboo topic but apparently not in Amsterdam and not on JustJennyLamb, aren’t you lucky. So yes, bla bla bla I went to Amsterdam and I mean, who hasn’t been? The difference is I went with my mum (LOL) and we went to the Red Light District and sourced some sex confessions.

Turns out the Dutch are pretty liberal when it comes to prostitution. Now I’m sure many of you know about the infamous windows in the Red Light District but those of you who don’t lemme give you a quick run down before we get to the good stuff in this blog – Top 10 Sex Confessions from the Red Light District.

Red Light District Background

Former office used for rental of prostitution rooms in Amsterdam Red Light District. Red Light Secrets Museum.
Former office used for the rental of prostitution rooms in Amsterdam

Prostitution is legal in The Netherlands and has been since 2000. Funny enough that is the same number of condoms that a Dutch prostitute is estimated to go through every year. Times that by 100 and you’ll have the number of men who visit a prostitute in the Netherlands each year.

Girls enlist the help of one of the windows that line the streets of the district by posing in their underwear to attract the attention of passers-by. If someone sees a girl they like, they knock on the adjacent door and discuss a service. Rental price for one of these windows is around €150 per 10h shift with an average start price for each customer being €50. AND get this, guess how much an average session lasts… 6 MINUTES! ! €50 for 6 minutes? ! ? Literally get that for free from any gal down CTZN on a Friday night son.

So yes, me and my mum did go to the Red Light District but for EDUCATIONAL REASONS. There’s a museum called Red Light Secrets and you know what, it’s actually very interesting so if you’re in town check it out.

Woman holding mask in Red Light Secrets Museum.
MY MUM – not sure you’ve got the job hun hahaha

Anyway, the museum is home to a wall covered in confessionals written by visitors AND let me tell you, there are some fucking weird people out there, I’ll give you that. From shitting fetishes to steamy affairs, here’s a run down of my personal top 10 sex confessions from the Red Light District:

Top 10 Sex Confessions from the Red Light District, Amsterdam

1. The first time I had sex, I tried giving head using toothpaste & nearly died from a burning tongue. He washed his dick in the sink in pain.

– Anon. California

I mean, fair. Girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.

Sex confession from Amsterdam Red Light District in Red Light Secrets Museum.
Just to prove to you, these are all very real confessions.

2. It really turns me on when people watch me going to the toilet, especially if I’m taking a poo! :O



Confused but not surprised. Also, why is this person apparently 14, ‘poo’ ‘#iloveit’ what u on hun?

3. I once walked in on my sister wanking off the family dog.


Fucking hell, you need Jesus.

Travel blogger on Amsterdam Canal.
Me judging every last one of these freaks

4. Once I did an Irish girl anal and she shat on me.


Oh gooood, more ‘poo’. Poor Del  😪

Sex confession from Red Light District, Amsterdam.

5. I once fucked my best friend’s father on a family holiday, in the pool. DADDY 🙂


HAHAHA now this is the type of goss I can get on board with.

6. My husband and I came to the Red Light District and had a threesome with a girl from a window.

Amazing xoxo.

W.A. 😉

This was clearly the husband’s idea…

Sex Confession from Red Light District, Amsterdam.

7. I once got fingered while interviewing someone for a job.

#HR #hegotthejob


Ah, yes, the start of every good porno.

8. I once used a deodorant can to pleasure myself but the lid came off and got stuck in my vagina. My mum had to take me to hospital to get it out. I was 15.


Lol get on Love Honey mate.

9. A few weeks ago my work colleague invited me over for dinner but it ended up in a threesome with her neighbour.


Well that escalated…

10. I once bought a strap-on so I could attach it to my head and my girlfriend could sit on it.


Admiration for the inventiveness, I won’t lie.

So I’m sure you’re all VERY curious to know my sex secret????

Yeah, fat chance. TBF, will probs tell you for a blog share, FB and Insta follow. Girl gotta earn that bread to keep providing you with this GOLD content. So help me out and I’ll message you it.

Nah, hoped you enjoyed this one, if you did, don’t be afraid to hit that share button and keep updated on FB and Insta for the next one. Links below…



In a bit xo

The Immersive Theatre Experience in a London Shipping Container

Discover this immersive theatre experience in a shipping container at the VAULT festival, London.

20 minutes in the dark with 20 strangers. Something’s bound to happen…

Immersive theatre in London is having its heyday with a bunch of mediocre pop-ups and a lack of actual epic performances BUT Séance, created by theatre company Darkfield, is probs worth a go. 

At £7.50 for 20 minutes, you’re not getting a bargain but you are getting an experience worth more than half a boujee cocktail in the city. So, welcome to your second instalment of London Living and here’s what happened when 5 pals got locked in the dark, in a shipping container with 20 strangers.

What is it CJ?

What actually is it?

Yeah, good question. So basically every year the underground of Waterloo station is home to one of London’s biggest theatre festivals, VAULT festival. The festival hosts over 400 shows and 2,000 artists in a variety of venues around the area. One of the shows that’s on at the moment is Séance. 

Now, I probably should have looked up what the word Séance meant before we went buuuuuttttt whatever it’s all fun and games. For those who are dumb like me, a Séance is ‘a meeting at which people attempt to make contact with the dead’ HA GREAT, GOOD ONE JEN.

C’mon Jen, enough of the chat, what happened?

So there we are, certainly not ready and I mean, not waiting to make contact with the dead and the lady who brings us round to the shipping container stops to give us a warning. HUH?

She babbles on with a little welcome speech, which soon turns into a:


Sorry, but what is going on?! 

VAULT festival Séance Show Guide
Nice lady coming through with those warnings

My pals CJ and Luke are ahead of me like giddy school boys, I’m there with my below average video skills as we enter the container. My other two pals, Connor and Arj are behind me but the dickheads have all sat on one side, leaving me to fend for myself, alone on the other.

It smells musty but bearable. There’s a table in the middle and what look like old cinema seats lining either side. Above the seats are a set of headphones for everyone. We’re instructed to put them on and the nice lady leaves. There’s a man five seats down who had his hands placed on the table, keeno must have watched the trailer or something as 30 seconds later we’re instructed to place our hands on the table, loser. 

The lights go down, it’s pitch black and someone enters the container. The door slams shut behind them and it turns out we are all there to summon a dead spirit –– a cushty Thursday night. 

A man’s voice booms through your ear, people start climbing onto the table as your fingers curl in to avoid their feet but you don’t dare take your hands off the table or the spirit will take over. One by one, someone is plucked from the audience and invited to ‘believe’ in the spirit. A pulsating, salivating, whisper echoes silently in your ear as you uncomfortably sink your neck down into your body. Then, the spirit attempts to enter you. 

BUT HOLD ON FELLAS, none of it’s real. Darkfield have cleverly manipulated the use of sound and movement that it forces you to question what’s really there and what isn’t. It’s certainly no Punchdrunk, Secret Cinema or You Me Bum Bum Train affair (yeah, I know my London based immersive theatre bitch) but it’s definitely an interesting experience. Maybe someone did come in and slam the door shut? Maybe someone did really cause the table to vibrate? Whatever you choose to believe, this is an intense 20 minute experience. 

Arj, what YOU sayin

The lights come up and everyone does that slight awkward smile towards each other as you do with strangers. Then a raucous laughter bursts through. Why? Remember what I just said about not taking your hands off the table, yeah CJ and Arj are the only people who did. Literal strangers are laughing at them hahaha. Worth noting this show is for age 12+…

We make our way out of the container, every other person in the group starts talking about it as the five of us rush to retrieve the bottles of wine we left at a bar 2 seconds down the road, priorities innit.

Down the tunnel and…
To the bar we go

Worth it then?

If you’re looking for something a bit different to do that won’t break ya bank then definitely hit up VAULT festival. There’s tons of shows to choose from and you can take some sick photos, enjoy some food and sink some bevs in Leake Street Tunnel, where the festival is located. 

Got any questions, hit me up. Want to go to a show but have no one to go with? Don’t ask me, find someone else. 

I’M JOKING, for sure I’d love to go, just shoot me a message. Details and more pics/vids below, check it outttttt.

In a bit xo

Leake Street Tunnel Wall, Waterloo, London
Leake Street Tunnel – hella insta worthy
I mean, we just couldn’t edit it, could we
Séance at VAULT Festival in Waterloo, London.
Creepy creepy creepy
Intensely enjoying a photo shoot in Leake Street Tunnel
Another one…

Girl in front of graffiti wall in Leake Street Tunnel, Waterloo, London.
AND another one


What? Séance @ VAULT Festival

Where? Leake St, Lambeth, London SE1 7AD

When? 23 Jan – 17 March 2019

How much? £7.50

Link? https://vaultfestival.com/

Why Instagram Made Me Hate Petra, Jordan

Read why Instagram made me hate Petra, Jordan.

It’s not why you think…

No doubt if you follow any travel accounts on Instagram you will have seen a picture very similar to the one below. I know those photos were one of the reasons why I wanted to visit Petra, along with fulfilling a childhood dream of going to the ‘Canyon of the Crescent Moon’ – if you don’t get the reference, Indiana Jones baby, look it up. 

Travel blogger at Treasury, Petra | Al-Khazneh
The Treasury

You clicked on this link having a few ideas of what I was going to say but I’m not here to tell you that Instagram is full of lies and everything isn’t picture perfect bla bla bla because if anything Petra looked just as magical as I thought it would and came very close to all the instas I’d seen. Only thing that the pictures don’t capture is the incessant smell of camel shit wafting up your nose every ten seconds but hey, it’s literally their home so I can shut up. The reason why Instagram made me hate Petra is because it has turned people into actual arseholes. I’ll explain. 

The only boys I need in my life
Three camels in Petra, Jordan
Clock the one in the back

When you visit Petra you have the option of walking through the Siq (the long boi gorge) at night and sitting by candle light as you look up at the Treasury (the main attraction) and listen to the sweet sounds of some old guy playing the flute. Sure, this sounds nice, right? NOT FOR ME. 

Entrance to Petra through the Siq or Canyon of the Crescent Moon
The Siq

EXHIBIT A: There we are walking along at a leisurely pace, it’s pitch black, rocky and busy. People are literally racing in the dark to get to the Treasury first. IMAGINE, elderly, meek Chinese tourists are hustling and bustling past youths sprinting with tripods and DSLRs (blogger cameras). I literally felt like I was in the stampede from Lion King 1 one step away from Mufasa crushing me or a similar beast bashing into me. 

EXHIBIT B: We finally reach the Treasury and the festivities have already begun. The set-up is beautiful, candle lit, traditional rugs laid out on the floor for people to sit on. It was packed and we were two amateurs who had decided not to partake in the earlier sprint. 

We scramble to find somewhere to sit as a bedouin gestures to us to sit down. We manage to perch on the end of a rug next to a young couple. Next thing I know the couple next to me have decided to lay down practically on me and attempt to take photos forcing me off the rug and into the dirt while they indulge in some ridiculous photoshoot. IT’S PITCH BLACK YOU MORONS AND YOU’VE GOT AN ANDROID. At almost the same time, I hear an immense shushing from behind as a photographer has just run through the aisles with his tripod to try and get to the front to take a picture of an ‘uninterrupted’ landscape. STOP.

After the performance finishes, a man who works at Petra announces that he will turn the lights on so we can see the Treasury clearly. I shit you not the lights came on and the flashes from everybody’s camera at the same time were more powerful than the lights set up to illuminate a fucking temple. The man had to urge people to appreciate the moment for just two minutes and switch off all phones.

Petra Treasury at Petra by night
Taken as everyone was leaving, not during, dw

EXHIBIT C: The next day we arrive at 6am. I wanna get in early. Typical, there’s people everywhere but whatever it’s all good. There’s a less competitive air than the night before. We book a guide and he ends up showing us a short climb to a great photo spot. We get up there and there’s people having their lunch on the mat laid down specifically so people can get that once in a lifetime shot. I hang around close to them hoping they get the idea that I want to take a cute photo and leave but alas NO. I had to ask if they could move for 2 minutes to which they reluctantly agreed. 

Petra viewing point of Treasury
Just in town for a cute family pic xo

My man Hani took a quick photo and I was on my way. My point is that platforms like Instagram have made people selfish and think they are entitled to this ‘lone traveller experience’. Look through my Instagram and sure, there are photos of me alone with some pretty exciting backgrounds but they’re all real and I go early in the morning to capture these and would never think of disturbing someone else’s experience just so I can get a sick photo. The fact is that there are always people around you, there’s no such thing as discovering a ‘hidden gem’ anymore with the emergence of social media. Countless Instagrammers edit people out of their photos to give the illusion of this ‘lone traveller’ character. The reality is these tourist sites are literally there for the masses to enjoy, learn from and experience. 

What’s more is that people are risking their lives due to the pressures of “getting the gram”. I’m sure you will have heard of people falling off cliff edges or into waterfalls all because they wanted the perfect selfie. Our guide had to tell countless people not to stray off the path because of how unsafe it was. NO ONE listened. Look, don’t be an idiot and better yet, don’t be a selfish idiot. 

I’m not saying don’t take photos and I’m not even saying don’t pose 100 times to get your perfect shot or spend hours editing your photos because it’s your prerogative to do so. Just don’t be inconsiderate to others around you. I visited Petra in November of last year and this was their busiest November in history. According to The Jordan Times, tourism has risen by 49% compared to the same time last year. Petra received over 100,000 visitors in the month of November alone. Largely, in my opinion, due to the power of Instagram. 

Now, there’s many who take this kind of faux intellectual high ground and say that travel shouldn’t be about taking countless photos and parading it on social media but (and I know it sounds like I’m taking a cop out) there has to be a middle ground. 

Here’s a quote from an article in Condé Nast Traveller by David Annand called ‘How Instagram Is Ruining Travel’

At its best, travel is about curiosity, outwardness, a search for authentic encounters with the other. Photography was once a medium that enabled this: with its premium on stopping, framing, thinking, it encouraged seeing as opposed to merely looking. Lately, however, we seem to have stopped using photography like this. We’ve turned the camera around, focusing not out, but in. Photography no longer encourages seeing; it simply encourages projecting, turning the world’s great vistas into mere backdrops for the self.

David Annand, ‘How Instagram Is Ruining Travel’, Condé Nast

‘Encourage seeing as opposed to merely looking?’ Sorry hun but what? His pretentious prose is as equally unrelatable as the bouji lifestyles portrayed by the influencers he hates on. The general public aren’t as gullible or stupid as they are made out to be. Of course, people understand Instagram photos are edited, travel photos are more so works of art than they are representative of reality but the fact is I quite enjoy scrolling through my feed and looking at nice pictures whilst heavily aware my eyes probs won’t see the exact same thing in real life. 

Sure, I have my own view on what you should be getting out of travel but that’s personal to me. I can’t tell you what travelling is about but be considerate when doing so. Have fun trying to take the perfect pic for Insta but as a general rule of thumb, just don’t be a dick to those around you. 

In a bit xo

Petra theatre first century AD Nabatean Theatre
Lil ol’ me up high away from being rude to others
father and daughter musician at petra, jordan
Why does her father look like a Disney villain who’s going to kill her?
travel blogger at the monastery at Petra, Jordan
Hiked for 45 minutes through camel shit for you all xoxo
This is the monastery.
donkey and dog at petra, jordan
travel blogger instagram photo treasury at Petra, Jordan
Insta try-hard but tell me this isn’t a cool pic?

Stay in a Vegas Penthouse for £30 a Night

Live the champagne lifestyle on a prosecco budget in LAS VEGAS BABY.

Find out how you can get a penthouse for just £30 a night.

After returning from the infamous ‘America trip’ people kept asking me how I could afford life and I mean after that trip, I couldn’t really afford life but it made me think about what the PEOPLE want, i.e. you.

You want those all-important insider tips to save money. I GOT YOU, which is why I have created this Boujee on a Budget section. First edition: VEGAS BABY.

I’ve narrowed it down to 5 top tips that’ll help you live the champagne lifestyle in Vegas but on a prosecco budget; including, how you can stay in a Vegas penthouse for £30 a night, how you can eat a 3-course meal at a Gordon Ramsay restaurant for under £50 and how to get free drinks in one of the most infamous hotels. So here we go:


Stay at my boy Nas’ place

You’re planning your trip and for most people it’s probably a once-in-a-lifetime event. I mean, c’mon it’s Vegas. You’re thinking if I’m going to do Vegas, I’m going to do it properly but properly doesn’t mean you have to empty your savings for a suite at Caesar’s Palace or The Venetian.


What I’m telling you is that you can get a penthouse in the MGM Grand for £30 a night. Do you know who has a residency there?! Calvin Harris baby. Do you know what else is there? Hakkasan Nightclub. It has one of the biggest casinos in Vegas, a million restaurants and bare pools. It even has travelators so you don’t have to walk. If that’s not luxury, I don’t know what is.

mgm pool
Lazy river so you don’t even have to swim hungover

So, you want to know how you can stay in not just the penthouse but the upper penthouse for £30 a night? Simple. Book your stay through Airbnb instead of through the MGM Hotels website. It sort of looks like a bit of a con when you do it but I swear to God it works a treat and the pictures look exactly like the place. Don’t worry you still have access to all of the hotel’s facilities just like a regular hotel guest but at a fraction of the price!

entrance way
Message me for details for this exact place


Sorry lads, this one’s for the girls. If you’ve ever been to a club in Mayfair, London you’ll know what I’m going to say. Promoter, promoter, promoter.

Get yourself a promoter for a club. It shouldn’t be hard, we ended up with about 10 promoters’ numbers between us by the end of our stay. A promoter will basically get you into the club as a ‘VIP’ if you pick the right one. You’ll get free entry, queue jump and free drinks all night.

As long as your group has majority girls, then it’s more than likely the guys with you will also get free stuff so I mean this one depends on your morals. I have none so was perfectly happy living it large in Caesar’s Palace.

Enjoying those free drinks in hand


If you’re planning a road trip in that part of America then this one is definitely for you. Vegas is essentially situated in the middle of nowhere. Drive out of Death Valley and you’ll soon hit the bright lights of Nevada. The fact that it’s in the middle of a desert is a blessing if you’re into nature. Hit up Death Valley and look at some aesthetic rock formations.

It costs $15 for an individual to enter the park and this access lasts for 7 days or alternatively if you know you’re going to other national parks on your trip, e.g. Yosemite, The Grand Canyon, Joshua Tree, Monument Valley then you should buy the annual National Park Pass.

You wouldn’t think that buying access for a year would be cheaper but it is. The annual pass costs $80 but you can put two names on the card and it’s valid for everyone in the vehicle with you. We visited 5 national parks during our two-week trip so it worked out at around $4 each for entrance to each park. Bargain fellas.

Enjoying that nature looking v. orange for some reason


Trust me on this one please. I spent many sleepless nights researching the BEST rental car company in America for 21-year-olds. It’s Dollar.com. FOR SURE.

There were 4 of us on the trip and we managed to get a good 4×4 for just under £200 each for 15 days. That included paying a surcharge for being under 25 and all insurances. They even included another under-age driver on there for free.

Although, the best thing about this company is that it was so easy to pick up the car and return it. No hidden costs, no time delays and you are able to simply go out into the parking lot and choose the car you want. They’re all out there with the keys in. Get in one, take it for a little drive round the car park, don’t like it? That’s fine, put it back and pick another.

Lucky for us, we were able to switch cars after we realised the one we initially chose smelt like piss.

A VERY lovely KIA no less


Ok, so this one is not really that budget friendly but it’s boujee af and you need to try it. For some reason my guilty pleasure is Gordon Ramsay and you know, I wanted to fulfil the dream of eating his fine, fine food so found out that there was a Hell’s Kitchen restaurant in Vegas.

Try and tell me I don’t look boujee af

I tried calling the restaurant to make a reservation but I wasn’t getting anywhere so we decided to don some nice clothes and try our luck as a walk-in. Turns out if you go to a fancy restaurant in Vegas at lunch, you’ll probably get in. Everyone else in Vegas is either still asleep, too hungover or have already started drinking.

You can choose from Gordan’s signature dishes including the infamous beef wellington that is produced time and time again on his show. They will try and give you the normal lunch menu but it’s all about the ‘express three course lunch’, which you can get for about $60. I know I know it’s a lot but it’s THREE COURSES and worth it. That’s under £50.

The infamous Wellington ! !! !

So, there you have it. Those are my top tips for getting by in Vegas whilst still being a boujee lil’ bitch. Got any questions? Seriously, I’m all ears and love sharing my tips and experiences.

In a bit xo

Drive through Death Valley to get to Vegas


Thought I was in Vegas?

This is INSIDE a hotel

Vibing where Calvin Harris plays

Loving those casinos

Find Chicago Style Pizza in London

Trying out the basic bitch stuff so you don’t have to.

Click to see where you can find Chicago style pizza in London!

Welcome to the first instalment of ‘London Living’ with ya gal Jen. Given that I’m strapped for cash and won’t be travelling until the summer, I thought this would be the perfect way to keep you entertained with the blogs.

I will be doing all the basic bitch stuff in London so that you don’t have to waste your money based on the views of one viral video. I’m a loser who doesn’t get paid for any of this so you can trust my opinions are real; I just LOVE the blog.

OK THEN, let’s get to it. Japes in Soho, was it worth it?

In a nutshell, no.

BUT hold on, don’t stop reading.

Lemme tell you what Japes is probably the perfect environment for. You know when you’re wandering around London and nobody can decide where to eat. You don’t want to go to a chain but you also don’t want to go somewhere super spenny and you kind of want to look ‘edgy’ –– whatever that means ???. Well yeah… it’s that vibe.

And when I said ‘edgy’ I mean as edgy as a circle. No edge. Nada. Just the pure essence of basic. It’s a typical restaurant in Soho who has tried to come up with an insta-worthy concept in the form of Chicago style deep dish pizza in London. I mean I guess it’s kind of working given that I’m blogging about it? But I mean, seriously, who even reads this?

Nevertheless, I am committed to telling you the truth about my dining experience rather than simply leaving you with a poor man’s advert for a pizza place (see vid above).

‘Twas a dreary Tuesday afternoon and pizza was my calling. I love pizzas like I love my thighs, thiccccc (lol shut up Jen) so thought this deep-dish den could be my place.

Walked in and some guy comes over who sort of looks like he has somewhere better to be but you know for sure he absolutely doesn’t and needs that cash just like the rest of us. He has one of those SoundWave tattoos that plays actual music. His look is the style we all love to hate but secretly envy.

He takes our order in the driest way possible and 20 mins later I am presented with much of the opposite. This juicy/watery/scrumptious/watery/saucy/watery/mind-blowing/watery pizza.

7583667648_IMG_2772 2.JPG
V. watery, c’mon now

I mean… it’s not great is it. The pizza actually tasted alright but was let down by the fact it seemed to be drenched in a watery sauce. The highlight of my main course was that it was presented on your own personal Lazy Susan.

I heard they were good for waffles so decided to split a waffle with my pal, Dom. Now this, THIS I could get behind. We went for a “petite” waffle and I’m telling you that’s deffo enough between two after you’ve been balls deep in their pizzas. The waffle redeemed the meal as did their home-made ice cream.

All in all, if you’re looking for a quick bite and enjoy deep dish pizza then go to Japes. I had a sit-down lunch with a desert for a sweet, round £15, which is alright, no?

If you end up going let me know and if there are any hypes in London you want me to try go ahead and message me. I’ll sacrifice the little ps that I have so you don’t end up wasting yours.

In a bit xo

Find The Hidden Chapel At The Top Of This Mountain

You ever heard of my g, Moses? Ever wanted to climb to the place where he received the Ten Commandments from God? Ever wanted to see THE Burning Bush as described in the holy book?

Nah me neither but here’s a hike you can do that is a little off the grid and not as basic as my short stint in Yosemite.

You ever heard of my g, Moses? Ever wanted to climb to the place where he received the Ten Commandments from God? Ever wanted to see THE Burning Bush as described in the holy book? Nah me neither but here’s a hike you can do that is a little off the grid and not as basic as my short stint in Yosemite.

So, where/what am I talking about? In the depths of the Egyptian desert is a place called Saint Catherine’s Monastery; this monastery lies at the bottom of a mountain called, Mount Sinai or to locals, ‘Gebel Musa’ (Mount Moses). Bare tourists flock to the site on pilgrimage but I know you’re all in it for the Insta so here’s how to ‘do’ Mount Sinai right.

St Catherine’s Monastery is located slap bang in the centre of a region called the Sinai. A region often overlooked by the Egyptian government and not ventured to by many tourists due to its unsafe narrative. Since the revolution in 2011, Egypt’s tourism has dropped significantly and unfortunately, the Sinai isn’t an area where political turmoil has ceased.

However, the trouble is closely contained in the northern part of the area so you will actually be fine visiting. It’s for the GRAM C’MON LOSERS.

The British Government advises all but essential travel to the area in which the monastery is located. You just have to ask yourself one question: Is my blog essential? Obvs.

Lol British Government travel advice – what do they know?

Nah, but seriously, this means that most travel insurers won’t cover you so you know, be careful, don’t break a leg on the mountain, don’t get bamboozled by a camel etc.

Ok, on to the hike. Where should you stay? There are a couple of hotels (if you can call them that) near the monastery but after reading the reviews I decided not to put my body through that. One review said they had to sleep in their dirty clothes from the hike because the beds were that dirty. Niiiiiicee.

No filter I swear, Dahab is peng

So, stay in the nearby cities of Dahab or Sharm El Sheikh. If you went on a package beach holiday with your family in between the years of 2000 and 2011, you probably went to Sharm El Sheikh, or it was a strong option. It’s a beautiful beach town. Both are world renowned for their diving spots and landscapes. Kill two birds with one stone and have a nice resort to come back to after the hike.

The hotels will run tours to St Catherine’s but will rip you off. APPARENTLY, the ‘done’ thing is to start climbing at 12 (midnight) in order to catch the sunrise at the top at 5am/6am. Don’t do that.

Ask the hotel for a taxi to take you and pay for a mountain guide when you get there. Isn’t part of the enjoyment of hiking getting to see where you’re going? Also, wouldn’t you rather SEE the camel shit you’re stepping in?

Anyway, if you go any time other than Summer then you’ll be able to climb in the day. It’s not that high up and if you’re relatively alright health-wise, it won’t take you that long. Fun fact: It’s 3,750 steps up. HA HA grant me the sweet release of death now.

There are two routes up the mountain. Numero 1: The ‘Camel Path’; this takes 2-3 hours one way and is longer and shallower than the other route, which brings me onto numero 2: The ‘Steps of Penitence’; this bad boy is 1.5-2 hours one way and is more direct. FYI because numero 2 is only available to climb during the day and is a little harder, you won’t see any tourists.

Once you reach the top you’ll be greeted by a chapel built in 1934 on the ruins of a 16th century church but who cares about that right? You’ll be standing in the EXACT spot where Moses received the 10 commandments after spending 40 days and 40 nights in the desert. The EXACT spot. I’m calling bullshit but fair.

When you come back down, you’ll be able to visit the monastery (the actual attraction), a UNESCO World Heritage site – am I impressing you yet ehhh?  Well, actually, you might be able to, you might not be able to. The monastery is closed for most of the time, open from 9am-12pm on most days and only open for 1 hour on Fridays and Sundays. BUT, bribe the doorman who looks like a villain from a Disney film and you’ll get exclusive access.

I know I shouldn’t be promoting the whole bribing thing but a priest’s gotta eat too.

The monastery was built between 548 and 565, it’s one of the oldest in the world and has the oldest operating library in the world. Prior to the British Library it was home to one of the four great manuscripts that contained the entire text of the Bible.

I’m not gonna bore you with the rest of the history of the place, you can Google it or message me if you’re interested in that BUT if you are interested in doing something a little different, going somewhere a little different and experiencing something a little different, then please, go.

Egypt has so much to offer and it would be a shame if my Insta game wasn’t rivalled by at least one of you xo

Guide used: Ashraf – GREAT GUY, became my insta boyfriend for the afternoon. If you’re planning on going, message me for his deets.

Mount Sinai
View from the top
THE Burning Bush
Mount Sinai
Clock that sweat patch bitches

The Forgotten WWII Cemetery Tucked Away In The Desert

What if I told you that there was a place in the desert where almost triple the amount of WWII soldiers are buried compared to the Ypres Reservoir Cemetery in Belgium?

As it’s Remembrance Day I thought it important to raise awareness of the forgotten troops who are laid to rest in the most unlikely place.

Today marks 100 years since the end of the First World War and though a day to remember those who gave their lives in WWI, in recent years it has become a day to remember Commonwealth troops who have died in all wars across the last century.

So who are the troops who fell in 1942 that I’m referencing? They were part of Britain’s Eight Army in North Africa. As kids we’re taught about The Battle of Somme, we’re shown the horrific remains of concentration camps in Germany and we’re taken to Ypres on school trips. But, what if I told you that there was a place where almost triple the amount of WWII soldiers are buried compared to the Ypres Reservoir Cemetery in Belgium?

Of the 11,866 who are commemorated, 7,240 Commonwealth soldiers are buried in the town of El Alamein on the north coast of Egypt (150 miles north-west of Cairo). You’re probably thinking where? You’d be right in having this reaction. I had no idea this existed until I went to visit the nearby city of Marsa Matrouh.

I stepped out of the car into an unbearable heat. All I saw were some pick up trucks, some diggers and some confused labourers. Was I in the right place? I passed by some tarpaulin and was greeted with this, the forgotten cemetery…

So, what actually happened there all those years ago AND why have we forgotten about it? In January of 1942 the German commander, Erwin Rommel began to move eastward in an attempt to secure North Africa and the Suez Canal after their hold in Libya. By the Summer the Axis troops had reached the town of El Alamein.

The first of two battles commenced and 13,250 Allied troops were either killed or wounded. This battle ended in a stalemate and the British General, Claude Auchinleck was sacked, his replacement was killed and so Bernard Montgomery was left to take charge.

Montgomery had time to build an offensive whilst Rommel was still suffering from losses of the first battle and on the defensive. In October, Montgomery used a diversion in the South and attacked from the north. Progress was slow from the Allied forces but infantry in the Australian and New Zealand divisions helped create an opening in the Axis’ defence that the British could exploit.

On 2nd November Rommel told Hitler the battle had been lost and withdrew his men. Operation Torch confirmed the victory (Anglo-American landings in North Africa on 8th November). The second battle left 9,800 Allied dead, 9,000 wounded and 9,000 Axis dead, 15,000 wounded and 30,000 captured.

The battles were significant as they led to the German surrender in North Africa. So why have we forgotten about it? I don’t know. That’s it, I don’t have some grand reasoning other than that we feel detached from something so far from home.

Last month the British government, for the first time, paid for 6 veterans to visit the battlefield on the 76th anniversary. All of them, now in their 90s, recalled the horrors they experienced all those years ago.

I had no idea about any of this but maybe I’m just ignorant? I guess my point in writing this was not just to give you a small history lesson but to highlight the importance of remembrance. Here are thousands of soldiers who have been left in the desert and forgotten by the many. We take modern day values and ways of thought for granted. We need to remember all who have died and why.

Remembrance Sunday is not an attempt to glorify war but to simply remember those who have died. It is an opportunity to honour the dead. Attach whatever meaning you want to the day but ultimately the day belongs to the fallen soldier.

Wearing a poppy isn’t some kind of jingoism that should be associated with a warped nationalism but with respect and honour. Today, think of peace and hope.

Lest we forget.